Classic Kids toys that had no business being kids toys.

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June 23, 2014 by timbuckler

I miss my toys.

Or maybe I miss being of an age where I could play with toys. I mean don’t get me wrong, there are certain “adult” toys that I still play with, if you catch my drift…….

force fx

I am of course referring to my force fx Lightsabre and Sonic Screwdrivers.

 

 

 

But I’m talking about action figures and all the bits and bobs that came with them. They’re just bits of plastic in my hand now. No longer can I use my imagination to create worlds and adventures to waste away an afternoon, whether it was zooming into Gotham in the Batmobile to stop then Penguins latest crime spree, or soaring my X-Wing out of the Death Star trench after firing missiles into the thermal exhaust, or running over an old ladies head as the Toxic Avenger.

Wait what?

You see some kids toys had no business being kids toys whatsoever. They where based on R-rated films or products that the younglins shouldn’t really be trying to re-create.

Sure, you can by a Leatherface or a Michael Myers figure from a comic book shop but they are intended as collector items for adults. This following list contains toys that where aimed at a younger demographic, to the point they had Saturday morning TV commercials.

Now some companies got away with it by shitting out a cartoon series with the soul intent of selling bits of plastic. Some companies didn’t even bother.

Lets look at these figures and see how appealing they were to the kiddos.

The Terminator 

terminator-main

The Movie

Cyborg Arnie comes back from the future to kill Sarah Connor and her family. Then, in the sequel, Cyborg Arnie comes back from the future to save Sarah Connor and her family. Between these films there be a shedload of shooting, stabbing, swearing, implied rape and the apocalypse.

Was there a cartoon show?

Nah fuck that. Didn’t need one, Terminator is iconic enough. Kids were already shouting “I’ll be back” and “Fuck you asshole” in the playground so give em what they want.

The Toy

 

I love how the T-1000 comes with the blade hand he used to brutally murder John Connors step parents and how the T-800’s “secret weapon” requires him to rip off his own face to use it.

 

Robocop

robocop_2282286b

The Movie

Despite being killed in action Officer Alex Murphy continues his fight against crime by being rebuilt as Robocop! Part man, part machine, all cop. The film features swearing, a brutal cop killing, a half melted man exploding on impact with a speeding car and attempted rape. Oh yeah, and some guy gets his dick shot off.

Was there a cartoon show? 

Hell yeah there was!

There was also a god awful live action series aimed at kids. It was sooooooooooooo bad. But at least they made use of the awesome theme tune, which is more than can be said for that bullshit remake that came out this year.

The Toy

 

Despite making child friendly spinoffs the toy commercial still used the original movie as the main sales generator. And the toys fired caps! No way could you get away with that now! “You’ll be hiding out in prison now!” *Shoots dick.

 

The Toxic Avenger

Toxic-Avenger

The Movie

The whole point of the Toxic Avenger film series is shock comedy. There are scenes so horrific that I haven’t been able to sit through a single movie (though I understand why they have a large cult audience). I just find things like a 10 year old kid being hit by a car and then reversed on to finish the job a bit too much. Same goes for the old lady who gets her head crushed and shits herself. Nice.

Was there a cartoon show?

I don’t know what money grabbing demon bastard came up with the idea, but yes there was. Not only that, but it had a strong eco theme in the vain of Captain Planet. Yup, they tried to make Toxie a role model to the kids. Jammin’ theme tune though. So. Damn. 90’s.

They Toy 

 

“Hideously deformed action figures from playmates!” Cool. I can put them next my limited edition Elephant Man (with crying and moaning voice box action)

 

Rambo

Rambo-3-muscles

The Movie

John Rambo comes home from war to be treated like a criminal. So he takes a stand against his country. Then he takes a stand for his country. During his four adventures he manages to kill a fuck ton of people. 219 to be precise. But it’s not his fault. They drew First Blood.

Was there a cartoon show?

Aye. The first 10 seconds of each episode focused on animated Sly’s ripped physique. Then, “Theres only one man to call!” Colonel Trautman apparently. But Trautmen will get you RAMBO.

The Toy

 

To be fair the figure is based on the cartoon design. And Rambo seems to be totally zen and chilled about fighting. He uses his a bazooka and jedi like reflexes to deflect a flying sword, then when he final comes face to face with General Warhawk or Commander Eaglefight or what ever the fuck his name is he just lowers himself to the ground and uses his feet to gently push into the back of the wrongun’s legs, sending him falling into bitter defeat.

 

ECW

ecw

The Franchise

Where the WWF/E and the WCW tried to appeal to the whole family, the ECW prided themselves on being the only main stream wrestling promotion that was adults only. Barbed wire, blood, tits and ultra violence, the E was for EXTREME after all.

Was there a cartoon show?

Nope. Not one attempt was made to appeal to children. Even the video games were intended for mature audiences.

The Toy

 

It seems ECW knew full well kids watched their show, even if they said otherwise to the outraged parents. Love how RVD moans about cheating, as if they were playing a game of chess rather than smashing action figures together.

 

Aliens 

aliens

The Movie

Well it’s about Aliens who impregnate humans using face raping Face Huggers and despatch them in a variety of horrific ways like chest bursting and acid dribble.

Was there a cartoon show?

Nah bruv! How on earth are you supposed to take that concept and wrap into a half hour tale of fun and whimsy?

The Toy

 

I love how the hero’s plan is to disguise himself as an alien and then….what exactly? Wait for Hicks to turn up, trap em’ in a jar and dump them into the cosmos. This was the best Alien film that never was.

 

Anyone own any inappropriate toys? Or are there anymore you can think of adding to the list? Let us know!

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or send me a tweet @TimBuckler316

Tim Buckler Will Return……

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