Tim’s F.O.S 50th Anniversary Spectacular! The Awesome Things That I Have Done!……kind of……

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November 22, 2013 by timbuckler

“Luke, you will find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”- Obi Wan Kenobi.

This week Doctor Who turns 50!!! It was Bond’s go at the golden milestone last year and in a couple of years it’s Star Trek.

But tonight, it’s my turn and we celebrate by all the amazing things I have accomplished in my life.

“But Tim!” Shouts someone in the back. “The fuck you talking about lad!? You ain’t been writing this drivel for 50 years!”

Quite right. I have not. If I had, surely I would now look like this.

xin_58090327202102848819

Not quite there yet.

However, this is my 50th blog post. So what I am saying is true, from a certain point of view……See where I’m going with this? Lets crack on shall we…..

I have performed backing vocals on a Red Hot Chilli Peppers album.

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Proper Chilli’s too. None of this Klinghoffer bullshit.

What I say is true….

That’s right kids. From the classics like Under the Bridge and Californacation, to Queen and Donna Summer covers, even the crap songs like anything from ByThe Way, I have gifted the band with my sweet vocals. About time I got a fucking royalty check.

From a certain point of view……

Y’see, I was there in Hyde Park way back in 2004. James Brown supported, Chicks on Speed were booed and the Chilli’s played a blinder of a set. So how does being in the crowd make me a backing singer? Because that gig was released as an album my friends. Skip to 1.20 to hear me roar along with “We Will Rock You”

Awesome eh? Don’t won’t my autograph yet? Fine, how about……

I have performed Shakespeare live at the Globe theatre to a standing ovation.

globe460

Forsooth.

What I say is true…. 

For fans of the theatre, fans of poetry or fans of being bored utterly shitless Shakespeare is surely the man.

The Globe theatre is Shakespeare’s Wrestlemania (there’s two things you will never hear in the same sentence again). It was his main stage where Joseph Fiennes and Gwyneth Paltrow fell in love. British actors know they have made it once the have performed the bards work on his home ground. It takes years of training, auditions, blood, sweat and tears. For me, it was a piece of piss.

From a certain point of view…..

We went there on a college trip about ten years ago. Our class was given a line each from a Midsummers twelfth night dream or some such shit and placed on different parts of the stage, spouting our malarky in sequence. The standing ovation? Well that came from the five or so tourist checking out how uncomfortable Tudor audience seating was back in the day. Seriously, no arm rests, not even a popcorn vendor. Needless to say I captured their imagination and took a mighty bow at the end…..

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And this Jasper Carrot look-a-like corpse hasn’t stopped spinning since.

I have shaken the hand that beat Balboa, the hand that took the head of the Kurgan, the hand that revolutionised rock and roll and shaped the future of world peace and the hand that revolutionised the comic book world.

hand_ofgod2

Reach for the staaarrrss

What I say is true….

My right hand is surely a mighty one and not just because of what I get up to during lonely times. It has truly been blessed and invigorated with power from icons, idols and gods. This is the reason my blogs, song/script writing skills and bitch slapping capabilities are so epic. Some say to touch my hand is to taste the divine and see into the brilliance of the unknown (this only works on pretty girls by the way. If you feel you qualify hit us up and we can arrange a touchy feely session.)

From a certain point of view… 

So how do you achieve this power? Comic-cons my friends. Me and my buddy’s have a rule, when you meet a celebrity, you have to get a handshake or it don’t mean a thing (having a swing is optional). This is why Spock isn’t on the list.

Leonard Nimoy with Spock Doll

“I hate touching fans.”- Actual Leonard Nimoy quote.

However, Carl Weathers (Apollo Creed) Christopher Lambert (The Highlander) and Alex Winter (Bill from Bill and Ted) weren’t so fussy about touching the commoners. The trick is to pay them a compliment or tell them a story. For example, I told Alex Winter he was the reason I learnt to play guitar (which is true). I like to think thats why he gave me a “ROCK ON TIM!” as opposed to the standard “Many thanks.” Needless to say I played air guitar till my fingers bled straight after.

My favourite banter has to come from Carl Weathers

Weathers: Woah young man! That’s a scaaaaary T-shirt you got on!

Tim: It’s Guns N Roses.

Weathers: Guns N Roses! Good band!. My favourite song is Paradise city! You have a good day Tim!

Tim: Thank you Mr Creed.

I also met Alan Moore once in a pub. He is the man who wrote The Watchmen, V for Vendetta and my favourite comic book of all time, The Killing Joke. He was scary. And had a very brummy accent.

alan-moore-001

“Nice to meet you Timothy!” 

I have also shaken the hands of two Doctors and a Superman. Why have I skipped over two of my favourite things ever? Well, it’s because….

I share my birthday with The Last of the Time Lords and The Last Son of Krypton.

DOCTOR WHO

“ALONZY!”

superman

“SUPERMANZY!”

What I say is true…

Two of the last people who represent an entire ancient civilisation. Both of their home worlds are gone. One has a brilliant mind capable of shaping galaxies. One has the powers of a God. Both fight for the forces of good. Both share their birthdays with one other.

Me.

Well, me and Eric Roberts.

thumb

“CHARLIIIEEEEE! THEY TOOK MA THUMB!”

I like to think of myself as a cross between the two. A wise old kind soul who is not afraid to kick an ass or two when things get out of hand.

doctore supes

One epic sonofabitch. I got a lightsaber too.

From a certain point of view…

So how do I share my birthday with The Doctor if I said at the very beginning of this blog that it’s his birthday this week?

Because I share April 18th with the Tenth Doctor, David Tennant. Hang on, TENth. TENnant. Only just got that.

And even though Action Comics, the very first Superman comic, has the issue date of June, it was actually published on April 18th (Thank you wiki)

Also, if Superman was the first official superhero, then I share my birthday with the entire mutha truckin genre. Meaning I am as awesome as every single superhero! FUCK YOU LEONARD NIMOY!

Took the piss out of one of the most profitable movies ever made, forced the director to watch it and put it on his DVD release.

paranormal

Still from the movie, not from one of “Timmy’s playful secret” cameras.

What I say is true…

You guys seen Paranormal Activity? It’s about this couple who have a cheeky ghost living in there house, so they decided to film him. It cost about 50p to make and earned mega bucks so as a result it is one the most profitable films ever made. It is also ripe for parody.

So me and my friend film maker Jamie Sims decided to rip the piss out of it and sent it to director Oren Peli. He had to concur to our awesomeness and included it on the DVD release.

From a certain point of view…

It was a film competition. People made there own short horror films and the top ten got onto the UK special features. Technically we should have been disqualified because it was a comedy, but ho-hey, on it went and here we are.

Well thank you all for enjoying my 50th special. Couldn’t have done it if you guys didn’t read it, so thank you. Big shout out to Charlotte Mills, Duncan Wigman, Jamie Sims and Danny Buckler, as they have spent to most time promoting it for me. To those who blatantly ignore my please to like and share, feel free to go fuck yourselfs and know that vengeance will be swift and fantastic. I’m off to watch some Doctor Who. Nighty night xxx

Follow me on facebook https://www.facebook.com/TimsFortressOfSolitude

Or Twitteroo @timbuckler316

Tim Buckler will return….

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