Brilliant performances wasted on shitty movies.

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August 12, 2013 by timbuckler

The time is Christmas 1997. The venue is Horsell Church of England school. The play is the “Snow Queen”. Despite the poorly written drivel and out of tune chorus members (don’t care if it was only year 6, if your going to be in a show with singing, make sure you can carry a fucking tune) one star did shine bright that night. Me.

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That’s me sat front and center. Where I fucking belong.

My performance as the Goblin King (not to be confused with Bowie’s Goblin King, though I did wear equally tight tight’s.) sent the audience in hysterics. Oh how they laughed when  shoved a mirror in some old cronies face in the front row, telling her to “Have a look madam, hideous, is it not?”.  Cheer they did, as performed my Goblin Dance™ . “BOOOOOO!” they screamed, as I left the stage, no doubt not wanting the brilliant time they were having to end.

It was criminal I only had one scene, unlike Chris Mcallister, who got the main role and performed no less than 5 songs. Prick.

No matter, at the age of 11 I was a star. All because of a brilliant performance in an otherwise crappy production.

Here are some other actors who gave it there all despite the shite surrounding them.

Raul Julia : Street Fighter 

Ever wondered how to take a brilliant concept, then completely ignore everything that was great to make a rubbish film adaptation? Ask Steven E. de Souza, because some how this stupid named man did that with Street Fighter the movie. Only an arse such as this could take a Character SOOOOOO American that he has a stars and stripes tattoo, and cast an actor who’s nickname is “the muscles from brussels” in the part.

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“YEAH!”- my favourite Van Damme quote. 

I have ranted about this film and it’s lack of respect for the source material before, so I will not go into too much of a bitch fest, but pretty much all the characters in this poxy film have nothing in common with their computer game counter parts. One guy got it right though…..

The Performance

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“Yes! Come on United!”

Raul Julia as M Bison seems to be the only guy who did some character research for this film. His clenched fist is the same as bisons fighting style. His psychotic smile and wide open eyes are all from the game’s manual and cover art work. Even the way he flicks his cloak is from the game. I watch Street Fighter when it’s on TV purely because of Julia’s performance, and if it was a better film I feel his Bison may have been as iconic as Darth Maul or Bane (not quite Vader or the Joker, but quote worthy none the less)

David Cross: Alvin and the Chipmunks

When the Scooby Doo movie was released it brought with it a tidal wave of crappy live action versions of children cartoon classics (I almost included Matthew Lillard as Shaggy in the list but to be honest I quite enjoyed Scooby Doo. Fuck you, it was funny.)

Garfield, the Smurf’s, Yogi Bear, no beloved childhood memory was safe. Not even Alvin and the Chipmunks which has so far spawned two sequels with a third in the works.

Unless you find cgi dancing squirrels who sing in high pitched voices funny this film has nothing going for it. Nothing apart from David Cross.

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Is it wrong that I actually find the Chipettes kinda sexy? I think it’s the big eyes and short skirts. And the fur.

The Performance

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David Cross is a very funny man. Probably best known for playing Tobias in Arrested Development, in this film he plays Ian the evil record producer and honestly he made me laugh out loud. I’m not sure if it is because he was aloud room to improvise or because he was given the only funny lines, but I like to think its because he plays a prick extremely well. Arsehole enough for the kids to boo yet funny enough for the parents to kinda cheer along, as they probably hate the Chipmunks as much as he does.

Couldn’t find any clips of him in the part so here he is explaining why he chose to appear in this cluster fuck of a flick.

Michael Sheen: The Twilight saga

Ok, ok…..I thought long and hard whether Twilight is shitty or not and I have come to the conclusion: Yes. Yes it is. My reasoning is this, it’s pure female fantasy. Ya see, there are two types of guys girls like, one is the rough and tumble loud menly men types(Jake) and the other is the dark, quiet artry types (Edward.) Bella is caught between the two female fantasies.

So there is nothing wrong with Twilight. Girls are allowed to enjoy it. I enjoyed Rocco’s bareback bitches 9, but despite the brilliant work of Sasha Grey and Amber Rayne in that film, I wasn’t screaming when it wasn’t nominated for an Oscar. It’s wank material.

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Surely the next Meryl Streep.

And thats what Twilight is for girls. Girls are just more classy than us felllas. They read books like 50 shades of grey to get off, rather than try to bash one out to a10 minute preview.

I know Twilight is shitty because films like Moulin Rouge and Sister Act are also considered “Chick Flicks”, but I sing along and clap my hands to the rooftop melody and I will follow him like there is no tomorrow.  Twilight, like most guys I know, I had to turn off after 20 mins for fear of smashing my fist through my telly. And these are films that involve werewolves fighting vampires! So what the fuck is up with that!?

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You may think this is a picture of Patterson in between a girls legs. But the truth is, he is an ACTUAL cunt.

The Performance.

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“Hey Tim, I thought you turned Twilight off after 20 mins, so how do you know if Michael Sheen is any good in it?”

Because I youtubed his scenes. Why? a.) It’s Michael Sheen and b.) It’s Michael Sheen playing a fucking vampire.

I really enjoy vampire flicks generally.  Sexy, cool looking mother fuckers who vamp out and loose there shit over the thought of human blood. Kinda like me and KFC. Sheen seems to be one of the few characters in this film who’s number one goal isn’t to look sexy. He also seems to be in the few who realises the movie he is in is a piece of shit, so he aint afraid to camp it up and have fun with it.

Hopefully, one day we will see Sheen portray Dracula or a real vampire type role. Untill that day there is always be youtube

Michael Gough: Batman and Robin

What else is there left to say about this nightmare? Killed the franchise, killed the genre, destroyed careers yada yada yada. We all know how shit this film is, so whats the point in going on.

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Ain’t exactly Nolan is it.

The Performance

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Wow. The only performance in this list that isn’t a villain. It’s hard to remember, but there actually are a couple of good scenes in Batman and Robin.

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Stop laughing dude, I’m being serious.

And by a couple I literally mean two and both of them involve Michael Gough. One of the movie subplots involve Alfred dying of a rare disease that for some reason only Mr Freeze can cure. The scene with Alfred on his death bed and Bruce trying to comfort him whilst at the same time trying to keep his shit together is amazingly heart felt and brilliantly acted, without a neon light, leather arse or nipple in sight. In fact bare in mind this film was made straight after Clooney quit E.R, and that he wasn’t the Hollywood megastar that we all know and love now, I believe this scene may have played a part in his career not going down the same route of Alicia Silverstone and Chris O’Donnell after the movies  release.

The second scene, I dare to say is one of my all time favourites in live-action Batman history. It’s also bloody annoying, because it gives me the vibe that with the right material Clooney could have been a brilliant cape crusader.

Basically it’s just Bruce asking Alfred advice. but the music and the darkness in it just makes it sooooo damn……Batmany.

Sadly mr Gough passed on two years ago, but one of his many legacy’s was (alongside Pat Hingle) he was in more live action Batman movies than any other actor. His Alfred survived changing directors, complete set and music overhauls and entirely new casts. That has a lot to say about someones acting skills, does it not?

You can follow me on twitter @timbuckler316

Visit my facebook page at facebook.com/timsfortressofsolitude

Tim Buckler will return……

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