June 27, 2013 by timbuckler
WARNING!: This article is intended as humour. Under no circumstances should you attempt to follow these guidelines for criminal gain.
My city screams.
My hometown is Woking. It’s a town I share a love/hate relationship with.
It’s a perfect location to live in. We are 40 minutes by train to London and Brighton, a ten minute walk one way you can enjoy a peaceful stroll in the woods, a ten minute walk the other way you can enjoy a drink and a dance in it’s active nightlife.
On the other side of the coin it is an absolute fuck hole.
We are the home of modern sc-fi (H.G Wells wrote War of the Worlds here, a book many consider as the first true alien invasion story) and we also gave the world the popular mod rock band The Jam, who wrote a song based on their homeland called “a town called malice.”
However Woking has a dark side, and I blame this partly on a culture clash. We have the rich (who forged their money from jobs in London as it is the perfect locale to commute from) and we have the poor (Chav scum who crawled out of one of Woking’s many council estates).
I don’t look down on the poor. I myself was born and raised in council house. In fact I still live in one (Not for much longer, I’m going to be a rock-star soon, I can fucking feel it.). I’m just saying, there tends to be a lot of jerk-offs who also infest these regions. (If you don’t believe me, try watching an episode of Shameless.)
Woking has a horrible crime rate. Growing up here, I have been mugged, beaten up, and humiliated many times. If you think this is a rant from someone who can’t let past bad times go, you are completely right.
When the sun goes down over Woking Stations £4,000,000 canopy (yeah, we have one of those for some fucking reason) it becomes a city of crime. For the love of god, don’t go walking down any dark ally ways or through any parks, because some track suit, cider swigging toss pot will either go for your money, your dignity, or both.
So what does the council do to try and stop these hooligans? Nothing really. If anything the town has evolved to supply these no-gooders with everything they need to carry on with their evil ways.
You know what? If you can’t beat em’ join em! Maybe we should all become super villains. I’m sure I could do a better job of it than these little toss heads. For one, I can speak the queens English clearly, so my threats can extend beyond “OI MATE COME ERE N I”LL KICK YA FACKIN HEAD IN!” to something like “Night draws in, and you my friend, have fallen pray to THE OWL!”
The Owl is my criminal name by the way.
“But Tim!” I hear you shriek. ” I have no idea how one goes about becoming a wrong-un!”
No worry’s my friend, as I mentioned before our town is now custom built to aid you in your quest.
All will be revealed in…
The Owl’s guide to becoming a villain in Woking!
Yup. Sorry, the article has only really just begun. Those last few paragraphs were just set up. But don’t worry. It gets entertaining from here on out. Our first stop takes us to the Wolseley Place Shopping center………
So do you know any old ladies in your area? Why not smash in their windows one day when they walk off to the library and grab anything shiny. If you’re truly heartless, why not raid your mother’s jewellery box? And if you absolutely, inconceivably have no soul, maybe you could prise the rings off the cold fingers of a recently deceased loved one.
Now where can you get rid of this bag o swag? Well I know a man who can shift hot goods quick, and his name is Herbert Brown!
If you type Herbert Brown, Woking into Google you will find this description: “Pop into the store today and exchange your gold for cash immediately – no waiting, … Walk in with gold, walk out with cash!”
It really is that simple. They weigh your precious; pop it in a black bag and fork over a handful of cash, no questions asked. Not only that, you can help yourself to a werthers original while the deed is done!
Congratulations, you just pulled off your first job! You’ll be a criminal mastermind in no time!
So now that you have the taste for crime, it’s time to expand your horizons. Ever thought of drug dealing? Well, Woking Market has all you need to start breaking bad, from personalised “smiley” baggies, to straws of which I am pretty sure serve the sole intention of snorting coke. Not to mention all sorts of designer ashtrays, models and posters to make your crack den look tip top!
And that’s not all! There is a hut that helps you unlock stolen phones (it advertises this in fucking neon lighting) and also a hat stall, where you can purchases full on, head concealing balaclavas and it’s not like a sly, ask at the stall owner, slide it under the counter kinda way either. It’s at the top of the hat stand. Bold as fucking brass. It even has a display mannequin head, so you can see how much of your mug is covered.
Now that you are properly incognito, it’s time to get some real jacking done!
CEX is a chain, which deals exclusively in trading in products. To be fair, unlike Herbert Brown, these guys do ask for your personal details, but that’s nothing a false alias can’t fix!
You walk in, give them a thieved PS3 then wait an hour or so while they test it and make sure it’s in good working order. Then, bish bash bosh, the money’s yours! I know this because a family member of mine has fallen victim to such a crime. Twice. What’s worse is it took the police over 6 months to give him it back and even then it was missing cables.
Errrrr, that’s a lovely picture and all but shouldn’t you guys…..I don’t know….BE OUT FIGHTING FUCKING CRIME?!
The thing about CEX is that it is right smack bang in front of Woking Station (just under the canopy). So you could steal someone’s I-Pad in Guilford, get off the train at Woking, go straight in, maybe grab a Starbucks whilst you wait for it to be tested, grab your coin, jump back on a train and get the fuck out of dodge.
Look at you go! By now I am sure you have made a lot of friends, but I am also sure you have made a hell of a lot of new enemies too! Time to get yourself some protection
To the untrained eye Assimilate This at the top of Peacocks shopping centre is just an average comic book shop. However if you look closely you will notice that a.) They sell barely any comics and b.) They sell a shit-ton of weaponry.
The legal length of a knife blade in the UK is 12 cm, but no one said anything about Klingon Bat’Leth’s!
“OI! MATEY! GIVE US YER FACKIN WALLET!”
Yes, from Rambo to Riddick, Assimilate This has an armoury that would make even the Highlander jealous. In fact; I think they sell his sword too! If your over 18 just stroll on in, hand over the cash you made from your drug dealin’ and smart-phone stealin’ and hey presto, your a fucking Spartan warrior.
But if you want your turn to the Darkside to be more visual why not purchase one of the in-store specialities. The Battle Sabre.
Basically it’s a Force FX lightsabre, but reinforced to make it more durable. I heard somewhere that you could run one over with a tank and it still wouldn’t break. Force FX lightsabres as they stand are relatively strong so the only reason for this, I presume, is so you can beat a man to death.
Battle Sabres are not officially endorsed by Lucas Film (I wonder why) but what they lack in authenticity and sound effects they make up for in sheer ass woopin capability. One swift crack to the ribs could bring any man down.
So whether it’s robbery, rape, murder or just a good ol’ fashioned riot, there is something in Woking for everyone. Now, if you excuse me, I’m off to put on my costume and rob me one of those new fancy HD telly’s. Happy Hunting! FLY MY PRETTIES, FLY!
“In the Avenues and Alleyways
Where a mans gotta work out which side he’s on
any way he chooses
chances are he loses
no one gets to live too long
the avenues and alleyways
Where the soul of a man is easy to buy
all the low are living high
Every city’s got em
can we ever stop em
some of us are gonna try.” – Tony Christie.
Agree? Disagree? I couldn’t give a fuck, but if you find the time please like me on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/TimsFortressOfSolitude
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Tim Buckler will return…..