Dream “Vs” that should have ruled…..and ended up sucking.

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June 25, 2013 by timbuckler

Who would win in a jelly wrestling match between Poppy Meadow from Eastenders or Katy Armstrong from Coronation Street? Sadly, we may never know.

However, sometimes, just sometimes, the clouds part, the heavens smile down upon us and the Gods grant us our dream face-offs.

Then, just as quickly, the Gods turn around and shit all over our hopes and dreams.

Don’t believe me? Three letters. A.V.P

Avpmovie

The “WE LOSE” in the tagline is of course referring to us, the cinema going public.

Here is some more dream face offs that became nightmare fuck offs.

Mario Vs Sonic

mario sonic

IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!

If someone told me to think of a corporate mascot, a fat, red cap wearing Italian plumber and a naked humanoid blue hedgehog would probably be the last things that came to mind . In Japan, however, this is apparently common thought.

japan

Japan. Technological center of the world.

Sega and Nintendo were the kings of console gaming  back in the day and their figure heads were two fierce rivals on the school playground.

Unless you were a rich arsehole, you either had a Master System rf a Nintendo Entertainment system. A Megadrive or a Super Nintendo. Blue or red. Sonic or Mario.

I myself was a Sega slut. Me and my friend Tenzin used to argue for hours on the subject. Mario was a bigger game, but Sonic had speeeeeeeed! Mario had different costumes which granted him powers, but Sonic had speeeeeeeed! The irony was that I was a chubby little fucker and Tenzin was slim and far more athletic, so his tiny frame trying to power slam the ground whilst I ran about getting red in the face and sweaty in the pits must have confused some people.

Me and Tenzin also wrote a song called “Coco cola sex.” We were strange kids.

So the Dreamcast was Sega’s final console. Despite it being awesome and ahead of it’s time, previous fuck ups by Sega made them fold up shop. No longer a coporate gamming powerhouse, they started making games for other consoles including Nintendo. It was only a matter of time until the ultimate computer game showdown would be in our hands…….

What could have been….

mario_vs_sonic_by_tpollockjr1

In my minds eye the Sonic/Mario team up would have been the the be all end all in platform games. First you could take you time on the levels, exploring the environment and smashing boxes with your fat arse ala Mario 64. On you second turn through, you burn through that level as fast as you can, with the speed of Sonic Adventure. For the final boss you could have had Mario vs Sonic, with you in control of each character depending on your currant play through. Also, think of the possibility of the enemies. Dr Robotnik’s (thats right I’m a Robotnik guy, take your “Dr Eggman” and shove it) whole schtick was taking animals and turning them into Badnik’s, Robotic evil doers.

That means we could of had a Cyborg Bowser.

Cyborg Bowser. I’ll let that sit with you for a bit.

The perfect platform game however, was not on Sega or Nintendo’s agenda. Instead, we got this.

What we got…. 

olympic

A fucking Track and FIeld clone. The premise of the game made no sense whatsoever.

For one, Mario’s adventures take place in the Mushroom Kingdom (no, not Amsterdam), and Sonic’s on the planet Mobius. But every 4 years or so, they like to take a break from recusing their civilisation from the tyranny of evil by attending and competing in Earths lyrca clad exercise event.

Second of all, I want you to look at that front cover. That’s Mario and Sonic having a race. You know, Sonic, the character who’s main attribute is being “The Fastest Thing Alive ™” is going up against Mario, a character who’s whole design is a little on the paunchy side, yet here he is, dead lock in a race, no doubt breaking the sound barrier and blowing the  minds of everyone in attendance.

Finally, there already are official Olympic Games. When I’m mindlessly bashing away on my game pad trying to make my character go left foot right foot, the last thing on my mind is “You know what would make this game beter? Mario. Or Sonic. Or both.”

Nope, the only thing going through my head is the irony of me portraying a physically fit  athelite whilst cramming Wotsits in my mouth, and how many more races can I do before my hand explodes into blisters from rubbing the pad from X to O so fast.


WWF vs WCW

monday night war

IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!

Nowadays if your a wrestling fan and you find someone with similar interests, you instinctively cling on to that person as a new best friend, because we are a dying breed. But it wasn’t always that way…

Back in the late nineties/early naughties, wrestling was at it’s high point. People wore Austin 3:16 t-shirts, pulled the back outs attempting to jack-knife power-bomb their little brothers, and told their elders to “SUCK IT!” whilst chopping the hands to their groins….ahhhhh, those where the days.

The two company’s at the forefront of the wrasslin boom were WCW and WWF. Their two prime time shows Monday Nitro and Monday Night Raw ran head to head. Ratings would exchange between the two rivals almost as often as the wrestlers themselves.

It was called the Monday night wars. and it was fucking awesome.

Wrestlers would appear on WCW and drop WWF title belts in the bin. New characters and scenarios were being created all the time to try and stay ahead of the curve, and wrestlers would bring their a-game each and every night, to show that they, and their company, was the best in the world.

People used to talk about their dream matches. Goldberg vs Stone Cold. Sting vs The Undertaker. the NWO vs D Generation X. None of this, of course, could possibly come into fruition  This was a bitter war, with each company wanting to destroy the other. Then something amazing happened.

In early 2001, due to poor bookings and finical problems, WCW folded and was brought by the owner of WWF, Vince McMahon.  Many thought this would be the end of WCW, but Vince, ever the opportune business man, saw money in a WCW vs WWF story line.

On March 26 2001, on the last ever WCW Monday Nitro, the surreal image of Vince McMahon appeared on WCW screens, gloating that he had finally won the battle. But wait, who was this making his way down the entrance ramp? Why it was Vince’s son Shane! Shane O Mac told the crowd that HE had brought the company, and was going to bring the pain to his old man! The Monday night war was not over! In fact, it had only just begun!

What could have been….

WCW wrestlers invading Raw, Raw wrestlers invading Nitro, all leading up to showdowns  at PPV’s. But most importantly, all of those dream matches that I listed above.

What we got…

buff bagwell

We got Buff Bagwell. At least we did for one night, until the Raw wrestlers humiliatingly threw him and Booker T out into the street like garbage on Nitro, and when I say Nitro I mean the last five minutes of Raw, where they quickly changed the ring apron to adorn WCW’s new ugly as fuck logo.

wcw

Ew.

Yup, WCW’s flagship programme really was no more, and thats not the worst of it.

You see Ric Flair, Goldberg, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan, Sting and many more were not actually under contract with WCW, but with Time Warner, the tv company that used to own the promotion. So none of those dream matches took place. Instead, WWF’s locker room was doubled up with more no name wrestlers. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for exposing new talent, but the lack of television time available to develop these characters ment all we got was a bunch of guys wearing WCW t-shirts. Who got the shit kicked out of them. Repeatedly.

This was not a fair war. They booked all the WCW roster as badguys. It was literally Vince   coming out week after week and saying “I BEAT YOU! I BEAT YOU! I AM BETTER! NANANANANANAAAAAAA!”……well, maybe not literally, but close enough

vince

“Hahahhaha!….Sorry….I just remembered how awesome I am.”

Eventually all the above named wrestlers (with the exception of Sting)  limped over to WWF (or WWE as it was now called) to collect a paycheck, but it was too late. The steam had gone, and what could have been the greatest thing in the history of sports entertainment instead ushered in a new era of selling T-Shirts.

cena

Hulk Hogan. MK II.

DC vs Marvel

Marvel-vs-DC-marvel-comics-251228_1024_768

IT COULD NEVER HAPPEN!!!

I could not tell you the amount of times I have had the argument “Who would win in a fight? Hulk or Superman?” (Superman, obviously).

For those who aren’t that comic savvy, the two main players in the superhero comic industry are DC and Marvel. DC own Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Green Arrow and everyones favourite fighting fish master, Aquaman.

aquaman

“I love fiiiiiish!”

Marvel on the other hand own Spider-man, The Hulk, Thor, Iron-man, Captain America, the X-men and Sub-Mariner.

Submariner

And you thought Aquaman couldn’t get any gayer.

Basically, if your hero is angsty and just wants to live a normal life, chances are it’s Marvel. If they actively go out looking for trouble and have a logo across their chest, it’s a DC.

Who would win in a fight is a tale old as time (or as old as the late 60’s.) It would never be settled unless there was some kind of epic cross-over event…..

knockoff

Or some cheap knock-off corner shop toy, which also features the blue Power Ranger…….and Shrek.

What could have been  

There could have been some kind of portal between the two worlds. Army’s of heroes engaged in an all out war for control of the cross dimensions, until eventually the realise they should team up and fight a bigger menace, the now united super villains! Eppiiiiiiiiccccc!

What we got.

This was not the first DC/Marvel cross over. Prior to this we had the equally shit Avengers vs JLA, and many more “what if?’ scenarios.

bats spider

What if Batman date raped Spiderman?

But this was the big one. This was the all out war. Trouble is, this event took place in the mid 90’s, where the 80′ some how only just hit comic books. You had Hulk in Jeans and a white vest and Superman sporting a mullet. Spider-man wasn’t even Peter Parker. It was Ben something or another, as Parker was dead for at that point probably the 50th time.

The story was thus. Two cosmic brothers, one representing DC and the other Marvel, had a falling out and started having a ruckas. For some reason, this put the worlds greatest heroes into mano on mano battles. Captain America vs Batman. Spider-man vs Superboy. Hulk vs. Superman etc. Some of these battles where determined by public vote!

Public vote also brought us Jedward.

Jedward_1531117c

A villain even more dubious than the Joker.

So the lesson learned here is, A.) don’t put the story in the hands of the public, that’s what we pay qualified writers come up with, and B.) Most of you, the public, are assholes.

So our heros just start to kick the living shit out each other, not really questioning the predicament they are in and just going with the flow.

That is, of course, apart from Batman. Batman basically says to Captain America “Hey, rather than smash each others teeth in, how about we team up and see what the fuck is going on?”

They do so, and the unintelligible story continues when the two brothers cease fighting and become frieds again. This makes the two universes mash up together. For some reason. Ever wondered what would happen if Batman and Wolverine smudged into each other? Neither have I.

Dark Claw

That……whatever the fuck that is you see above is called Dark Claw. One of the many monstrosities a cross universe can come up with. I can’t remember the ending of the comic, and I am not digging it out and re-reading that tripe for a Jedward voting public.

I know it sorts itself out and something about Captain America and Batman being humbled by the truth.

And I was humbled as a reader. Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

Oh, and who won between Superman and Hulk? Superman. Obviously.

Like me on Facebook on https://www.facebook.com/TimsFortressOfSolitude

Twitter me a Twit @TimBuckler316

Tim Buckler will return in – “Woking. City of Crime.”

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