May 15, 2013 by timbuckler
I love computer games. I love movies. If you put the two together, surely great things should happen!
You know what else I love? Chicken. I also love chocolate. Have you ever had chocolate covered chicken? It tastes of shit.
It also kinda looks like shit too.
Most (if not all) live action movies based on computer games suck large throbbing cock (notice how I said live-action, we will get back to that soon)
But it shouldn’t be this way. Books and comics and other forms of story telling lend themselves to great films, so why not games? why has Hollywood not got it right yet?
Well, there are many reasons my friend. Obvious, stupid reasons that are easily fixable.
1. Lack of respect to the source material
Comic lovers are truly blessed in this day and age. We have the Dark Knight trilogy, Spider-man, X-men and a finally a Superman movie that looks like the tits!
The crown jewel in all of this is probably the fact that we have a movie-verse that ties Iron-man, Thor, Captain America and Hulk together, with their own standalone stories that intertwine with each other for huge collaborations. Just like the fucking comics. Geeks have been waiting for this golden age for a long time, and are now furiously masturbating at it’s sheer glory.
But it wasn’t always this way. Pre 1998 for every good super hero movie we had twenty rubbish ones. You guys remember the original Fantastic Four? No, neither did I until I did some drunken youtube clickin’
and for God’s sake, let us not forget STEEL starring Shaq
Comic book films where never taken seriously until Blade. No one really knew that Blade was a Marvel hero back then, so it wasn’t made in a cheesy, “Boom, Pow!” Comic book manner. It was dark and gritty, just like the source material. After that we had X-men and Spider-man, two films that were not ashamed to have an awesome comic book history to both inspire and draw from.
Of course, like all adaptations, you have to change some things that would not translate well to the big screen, like the Wolverine costume.
Actually, I think Nolan could have made that work.
Video game movies, however, have NO INTENTION WHAT SO EVER of following the source material.
Let’s take the story of Street Fighter II. If you read the manual, you would know that each fighter had their own back story. The rough translation is this.
Ryu is a lone warrior travelling the earth (like Kane in Kung-Fu) is looking for his best friend Ken, with whom he was raised and trained by the same master. Ryu learns from interpool agent Chun-Li that Ken may be at the Street Fighter tournament, a fight fest held by the evil M Bison, who uses this platform to find the best fighters in the world. Bison is also the leader of Shadaloo, an organisation that specialises in Drugs and arms dealing and is run by Bison’s three main cronies, Balrog, Vega and Sagat.
Now these four fuckers killed Ryu’s and Ken’s master (a battle which also cost Sagat his eye and gave him a gnarly chest scar) so rumour has it Ken is attending the tournie to gain some revenge.
Ryu. Certified Bad Ass.
Only trouble is Ken maybe in over his head, so Ryu enters the competition for the sake of his friend, to help Interpool with there drug warlord problem and ultimatly, kick the living piss out of the arseholes (via a barrage of fire balls and dragon punches) responsable for killing his master.
How good of a premise is that? It’s like Enter the fucking Dragon. It was a story that spawned a kick-ass comic, a kick ass anime movie, a kick ass animie tv show and a whole universe of characters, each with there own agenda for becoming the ultimate Street Fighter.
Now look what fucking Hollywood did with that. Shadaloo is still run by M Bison…..and that’s where the comparison ends. Chun-Li is now a news reporter (and Balrog is now her camera man) and our new lead character? Guile. Because he is an American is my guess
To be fair Guile is very American. He has a star’s and stripes tattoo and everything. So why, in the name of fuck, would you hire an actor from Brussel’s to play him? Because it’s Van-Damme, thats why.
And what of Ken and Ryu, are two noble warriors on the search for inner peace? They are now two comedy side parts, hilarious rouges who do such hilarious things as sell guns to Bison that in turn out to be toys! Oh, those two little devils!
Ryu: Certified Trickster!
There is one scene that is almost cool. Ryu is forced to fight Vega (the only character who’s origin is done right, spanish, wears a mask to protect his handsome face etc.) in a……get this…STREET FIGHT! (The only Street Fight in a fucking movie called Street Fighter).
But before the first punch is thrown, Guile turns up in a tank to ruin the fun.
Do you know what this scene doesn’t have enough off? Me.
I can only think of one computer game film that I like, and it’s the only one I can think of that follows the game’s story perfectly…….but more on that later.
In fact, not respecting the source material pretty much covers every subject in this rant…..but it would be a lame article if there was only one point, so here are some more.
2. Bad Casting
A few years ago it was announced that a reboot of Street Fighter was going to made. “HOT SHIT!” squealed I. Excitement began rushing through my blood. Then I saw the first picture of M Bison, and my mind was blown. How do we make the Street Fighter fans happy? I KNOW, LET’S STRAY EVEN FURTHER AWAY FROM THE SOURCE MATERIAL AND MAKE BISON LOOK LIKE A SINGER FROM AND 80′ GERMAN DANCE POP ACT!
Here is a picture of Bison from the game.
Now here he is from Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (notice how Ryu is still not the main character.)
Yup. They really captured the spirit of the character there didn’t they. Seeing as how the last point had a thousand words (some idiot described my blog as being “too wordy”. Fuck off.) Let’s take it easy with some pictures. Here is everybody’s favourite plumber smacker Bowser, from the Super Mario Bros video game series.
Now here he is from Super Mario Bros: the movie
You guy’s ever played Double Dragon? It’s about a couple of hunch mother fuckers kicking ass and taking names in a lawless land. Here is the front cover to the game.
So who do we cast as these two beer drinkin, cicken eatin, badass desperados? Why not a PJ and Duncan tribute act?
Poor Mark Dacascos. His career deserved so much more than what he got.
While we are at it, how many computer game movies have to include a tagline telling me it’s not a game? Like I was so retarded when I was younger, I was going to try and cram a VHS into my Megadrive. So in Double Dragon, “It’s not just a game anymore”……..But with Super Mario Bros “This ain’t no game! It’s a live action thrill ride!”
But remember, in Tekken, “Survival is no game”
Anywho’s, back to the matter at hand. Sometimes these movies have the casting right on, like Angelina Joile and her boobs in Tomb Raider. They even respect the source material, like Lara Croft and her boobs in Tomb Raider. There is another computer game movie that I actually like which has brilliant casting, but more on that later…..
So why did Tomb Raider, with its great rack and respect to the game still suck? Because of the next point me darlings……
3. Bad film makers.
Ok, so Simon West, the director of Tomb Raider ain’t so bad. After all, he did bring us Con Air and Expendables 2, but Spielberg he is not.
And I may be asking a little to much for “Steven Spielberg’s Sonic: The movie”……..But how about “Pixar’s Sonic: the movie”? Seriously, think about it…….how much would that fucking rock?
Wreck-it-ralph was a great little flick, and guess what thier Bowser looked like…..
Fucking perfect. Hell, they even got a perfect M Bison
But no, let’s not get people who love games to create their big screen adventures. Let’s get Uwe Boll.
If you are unfamiliar with the works of Boll, consider yourself very lucky. The bastard has no idea how to make a good film. “Jeeper’s Tim! Your being a bit critical for someone who’s greatest work so far is Billy’s Showreel!”
Well bollocks, this bastard is so terrible it’s even in his wikipedia, and he has ruined not one, not two, but THREE video game movie franchises (Postal, Alone in the Dark and saddest of all, FarCry.)
Then you got Paul W.S Anderson (Not to be confused with the awesome Paul Thomas Anderson). Not only was this fucker producer on that god awful Dead or Alive movie a couple of years back, but he also directed the Resident Evil series.
Now some people like the Resident Evil movies. These people are called arseholes.
If you played the first few games, you will now that Resident Evil is quite slow paced, with frantic bursts of horror every now and again. Anderson read that as “Let’s put my skank wife into some tight outfits whilst she poses with guns!”
Mind you, Anderson did direct one good video game movie………..but more on that later.
So what did we learn here today? Not much.
But I do have a feeling in my bones that one day computer game movies will improve, and that day will be soon.
Rockstar have said they will not make a GTA film until it is taken seriously, same goes for Activision with Call of Duty, and Ubisoft have appeared to learn their mistake from FarCry and have Michael Fassbender lined up to co-produce the Assassins Creed movie.
Comic book movies got good because comic book fans grew up, and are now this generation of film makers making the movies they wanted to see as a child. I think soon, it will be the same for computer games.
and the one computer game movie I do like? The one with great casting, great soundtrack and is pretty much 100% true to the source material?
The sequel however, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, fucking sucked.
Check out my facebook page https://www.facebook.com/TimsFortressOfSolitude
or follow me on twitter @timbuckler316
Tim Buckler will return.