April 29, 2013 by timbuckler
“The next sentence I say is a lie. I am lying.” – Captain James T Kirk.
I remember being around 10 years old watching a repeat of Star Trek on BBC 2, and Kirk dropped that vocal pipe-bomb on some evil robot fucker who only understood logic. The robot shut down, unable to comprehend, and my young brain almost did the same.
“And if Pinocchio says my nose will grow now, what would happen? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!?”
That my friends is what we call a paradox. I think. Explaining the meaning of the word is more complicated than explaining the off-side rule. I’m not even sure if the points I make in this article (It’s an article, not a blog, blogs are where people talk about their cats or their sticker collection or other uninteresting daily life nonsense) are paradoxes. I’m not even sure if paradoxes is the plural to paradox. Christ, I’m in a tizzy already.
I do know that following examples create loops though. The whole what came first, the chicken or the egg kind of shit. (By the way, it’s the egg, as the chicken would have evolved from another species. Thank you Darwin.)
Some will say what I write next is nit-picking. But this kind of malarkey keeps me up at night.
So, where do I begin? I will begin with what I begun (paradox? not sure), and that’s with everyones favourite star fleet Captain……
Star Trek and the Beastie Boys.
Star Trek 2009 is a hot spot among Trekkies. Some say it does not capture the spirit of the series, replacing philosophie with action and excitement. Others argue that ALL of the Star Trek films replace the philosophising with “PEW-PEWS” and “BANG KABOOOOOOMS” with the exception of Star Trek: The Motion Picture. That film just had the Enterprise flying into a cloud for two and half hours until a bald chick kisses some douche and they blow up into cosmic rays. Or something.
I personally thought Trek 2009 was rad. They made Kirk even more awesome (if that is possible) by implying that when he was 12 he stole a car, and was a big fan of the Beastie Boys.
If you cannot be bothered to watch the vid, basically Kirk is driving around in a stolen red convertible when he gets a message from who we presume is his step father telling him to come home because he is in a world of trouble. He slams the phone down on the miserable old prick and pumps up the Beastie’s hit single “Sabotage”.
“This is going to get me so much green pussy”
The Mind Fuck!
So young Kirk likes the rap styling’s of Mike-D, MCA and Ad-Rock. I dig that. Anyone who doesn’t is clearly an arsehole. I just can’t help but wonder what his favourite song is. You reckon it’s Ch-check it out? If so, you think he has ever seen the video?
It’s literally starts with the Boys beaming down dressed as Kirk, Spock and Bones, and none of that implied no-copyright breaking bullshit either. That’s official Starfleet uniform, son!
It’s not the only influence that Trek has had on the bands work. Ch-check out these lyrics from “Intergalactic”
“Your knees’ll start shaking and your fingers pop
Like a pinch on the neck from Mr. Spock!”
“Dude, stop it! Your making my knees shake and my fingers pop!’
So if the Beastie Boys exist in the Trek universe, how did they pay homage to something that does not happen for another 195 years?
Either the space-time continuum is fucked, or the Beastie Boys truly were ahead of their time.
Speaking of the space time continuum……..
Eastenders and Doctor Who
So you guys have probably guessed how the rest of this article is going to go down. Hopefully you are entertained, and would like to keep reading. If not, why not go back to real life?
Still reading? That’s because real life sucks right? A fact that the never ending story called Eastenders likes to remind you on a daily basis.
If you do not know what Eastenders is it’s the most popular soap opera over here in the U.K and it’s about a group of cockneys (which means “Cheeky Londoner”) who go around cheating on partners, getting each other pregnant, over dosing on drugs or all other kinds of socially activity that makes your neighbours life a living hell. Because that’s reality, see? If your lucky, you may catch an episode where Phil Mitchell does crack and punches some one.
Anywho’s, one of the most tragic love storys in Eastenders history (as if there was any other kind of love story in Eastenders history) was that of Bradley and Stacey. Their tale ends with Bradley plunging off the roof of their local pub to his death, and Stacey fleeing the country. But there were happy times for the ill-fated duo. Like when they went to the Doctor Who convention!
Oh, wait, sorry I forgot. This is Eastenders. Happy times do not exist in this dojo. We start with Stacey looking excited for the first time ever as she explains the workings of the TARDIS, only to be dis disillusioned once the doors open.
Stacey: Oh. It’s just a little blue box.
Bradley: Well, thats reality for you.
Then, as poor old Bradley looks around, trying to get lost in the world of his favourite TV show and escape his piece of shit life for an afternoon, Stacey decides to bring up their relationship troubles and bring him back down to Earth (like every woman does if you take them to a convention.)
You can tell this is a publicity shot because they are smiling.
Sigh. If only Doctor Who was real. But it ain’t. It’s only a TV show.
The Mind Fuck!
Genesis of the Daleks? Never happend, only a TV show. Bad wolf? Never happend, only a TV show. The four Doctors visiting Albert Square in three different time zones? Never happend, only a…..WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK!?
That horrendous thing you just saw, my dears, was from a 3D special of the television show “Noel’s House Party.” Please, only watch two minutes or so just to established that there was once an Eastenders/Doctor Who cross over, then look away before you question why you ever thought Doctor Who was a brilliant show.
I’m not sure what appals me the most, the non-sensical story, the shitty effects, the MDMA induced rave version of the theme song, or the fact that the only multi-Doctor story Tom Baker decided to be a part of was one where he did not interact with anyone and decided to dress like a burgundy pimp.
The only thing that crap-fest was good for was to explain my point. Even though it was not part of continuity, Eastenders and Doctor Who DO exist in the same universe. If Stacey and Bradley were sat round there tellies as kids, they would have some serious questions to ask.
Maybe Pat could explain…..Wait, no, she sadly passed on. Maybe Pauline could….oh wait…..Frank? Nope, he dead too.
In fact, I think the only cast member still about from that magical time time is Walfords finest himself.
Steve McFadden. Surely the greatest Doctor that never was.
Copout and Die Hard
This one is a bit of a cheat because it is an obvious in-joke, but fuck it, I need filler material. Copout is the only bad Kevin Smith movie (thats right, I like Jersey Girl) and one of the biggest let downs in my movie going life.
Replace Willis with a long-haired loud mouth and Morgan with a quiet chubby man in an overcoat and we may be on to something.
The story is your basic buddy cop romp where Tracey Morgan and Bruce Willis try to hunt down a rare baseball card. To be fair, there are a couple of funny scenes in the film, even if one of them has a paradox so huge it could tear a hole into reality itself.
The Mind Fuck
Tracey Morgan is trying to get a drug dealer to talk by pretending that he himself is a crazed felon. The comedy begins when Morgan just starts shouting random movie quotes. The paradox begins around 1.45
Ok, I know this is a wink at the camera, but it wouldn’t be so bad if the Willis cop didn’t appear to be a big enough movie-buff to get references from Training Day and the Colour Purple, yet has never heard of Die Hard. And it’s obviously John McClane being quoted, because Roy Rogers never said “Mother Fucker.”
“Git along little doggies, you fucking cock suckers!”
A similar joke happens in action hero gang-bang Expendables 2, where Bruce, Arnie and Chuck decide to shout out catch-phrases from their past work at each other in the space of 22 seconds.
The T-101 asks Lone Wolf McQuade “Who’s next, Rambo?” Even though Rambo is quite clearly out front trying to find Guile from Street Fighter.
To be fair, First Blood was a novel first. Arnie could just be a big reader, and to be equally fair, I am just being a nit-picky arsehole to find holes in something that is obviously a joke.
Well I am done. there are so many others, they just don’t come to mind right now. Maybe a will make a sequel to this once I think of more, provided you guys like it. If you don’t maybe I’ll just go fuck myself.
Also there is a way out of these cross-fiction references. Here is Arnie again to show you
Thanks for reading. Peace out amigos.
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