March 25, 2013 by timbuckler
It’s almost summer blockbuster season! That means over the coming months we are going to be bombarded with new trailers and posters!!!! Well, I say new trailers and posters…….sadly they all seem to follow the same pattern now. In the trailers nowadays you just need morbid sound bites to images of destruction featuring epic music.
But movie posters are what really take the biscuit. Has anyone else noticed that for the last five years or so THEY’RE ALL THE FUCKING SAME!?
Let me show you…………
The “Excuse me whilst I look at my penis” poster
Nothing says “Hero” more than hanging your head in shame and looking depressed. Hang on, come to think of it, that’s not very heroic at all. A hero pose is hands on hips, head held high and cock thrust forward in a pose that screams “BEHOLD, MY AMAZINGNESS AND HIGH MORALITY STANDARDS!!!!!”
Maybe these pics where captured pre-pose, and our heros are checking there manhood to make sure they are up for their cock thrusting duty.
Batman Begins by checking his throbber in the shadows.
The newly red underwearless Man of Steel has a quick peek to make sure his tights ain’t tight enough so you can tell what religion he is.
Spiderman is not a ashamed to hide in the shadows. He checks his downstairs bold as brass, front and center, to see if there has been any web fluid spillage.
Seriously, that stuff gets everywhere, maybe he should have a closer look
At least Captain America has the courtesy to cover his dingle dangles behind his shield.
The “Hey, are you looking at my ass?” poster
Heroes are renowned for turning there back on people. Doesn’t sound quite right does it. Well, here is the proof. Maybe they have been caught checking there goolies before, and are just looking behind to make sure there are no peeping toms hiding in the shadows.
Spidey knows his ass is sweet, and could not give a fuck about protecting his identity.
Tony Stark is caught polishing his helmet.
James Bond dons a cowboy hat and chaps for this backside beauty
Taylor Kitsch is caught trying to show his Battleship to Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna
You know what? I don’t mind this pose so much as long as it involves a female. Wearing a tight black cat suit.
fuck it, mmmmmmmmmmm Scarlett again
The “Defeated hero” poster
Another sure fire way to sell tickets is to try and make it seem that the movie celebrates the heroes demise. You can achieve this with either an “It all ends!” tagline, or an image of your main man getting the shit kicked out of him. Or both.
Poor old Harry, caked in mud and shit, could not have a more terrified look on his face as he battles for his life. Sadly, it all ends.
Peppa Potts cradles Ironmans decapitated head in her arms
Oh wait, no, he is ok! His helmet must of fallen off as his burning body fell through the sky
Christ, Bane must have bitch slapped Batman pretty hard in order to have his cowl crack off his face. Hard enough for the legend to end anyway.
Superman is not gonna hang around for things to get messy, and peacefully hands himself in to the authority’s
The “Burning, crumbling buildings” poster
So, your hero biting the dust not good enough for you? Why not celebrate how even more inadequate he/her is at their job by showing the buildings around them get blown to smithereens?
Hogwarts burns, it’s a shame that no one was around to pose infront of it as it crumbles to the ground
Unlike, say, the Avengers, who managed to take a break from saving the day for this kodak moment
Batman manages to burn his own logo in the front of this building, making his pose all the more epic
Sherlock steals Batman’s idea, not only posing in his franchise logo, but pulling off the “hey are you looking at my ass?” look to boot
Not to be out done, the Caped Crusader decides to burn the entire Gotham skyline AND checks his dick in order to prove once and for all that he is the king of burning building pose downs.
The “Standing in the rain” poster
Remember that Spiderman 3 poster from earlier when Spidey got up close and personal to his johnson? It’s kinda hard to have a thorough examination when it’s pissing it down
Well, Wolverine shares his pain
Does not seem too much of a big deal for Batman, Catwoman and Bane though, as they confidently stroll through…….
But Wolverine cannot take it anymore. Do you know how long it takes for him to gel his hair into that wacky style? Quite frankly, it’s enough to make a man completely lose his shit
I am getting tired of seeing the same old imagery for my summer popcorn fests, especially when they seem to all be so……..well, negative.
Whatever happened to fun posters? Why can’t we have a poster of the new Wolverine movie where he is, oh I don’t know, surrounded by bunch of ninjas?
Oh shit, I see. That’s why. Seriously, that is one of the worst Photoshop jobs I have ever seen. I could have made a better poster using faceinhole.com
Well peace out amigos. Whatever happens, I’m sure its going to be a good summer for the flicks, despite the cinema previews making you feel everything is going to have as much of a good time feeling as Schindler’s list.
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