December 18, 2012 by timbuckler
Hello Y’all. I was originally going to write a movie awards post for the films of 2012, but I have encountered a small problem….. I haven’t seen that many new films this year.
I can no longer watch a film for the sake of watching a film. When I do, and I do not enjoy it, it just feels as if I have wasted two hours of my life. Nowadays I either have to wait for my friends to report back to me or know 100 percent that I am going to like it.
Maybe I shall wait till Oscar season, as that’s normally the time of year I play catch up.
Video games however, I have played a shit load off.
The start of an adventure should be a hell of a thing. It sets the scene and gives you a taste of what’s ahead. You normal game opener goes something like this….
Something is wrong! Wake up!
Use that stick to move and that stick to look around!
We are getting a distress signal!
Distress signal: Help! We are in distress! ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
BIG EXPLOSION WHERE THE LEVEL FLIPS ON ITSELF!
What’s that big fucking thing? I don’t know, but something tells me I have to fight it later!
Quick! Walk from point A to point B while I tell you how the buttons work!
And the winner is: Farcry 3
It starts with M.I.A’s Paper Planes (I bloody love that song) and then there is a montage of you and your friends having the best time on holiday. The camera pans back to reveal its all on a smart phone, being held by a mohawk wearing bastard. Your locked up in a cage, your mate is tied in front of you. Instantly you know who the baddie is, who your friends are, and why you want to grab a gun and blow these pirate fucks away.
Quite a lot of games do not give you a personal reason to hurt your opponents, but Farcry does. These pricks are going to pay for what they did to me and my pals, all I wanted to do was BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM and a KERCHING CLICK and take your monaaay, and I ended up having one of my best buds die in my arms, and being chased through the woods by dogs for sport. Fuck that. Vengeance will be mine!
Ever since I was a little boy I had wanted a Twinkie.
Despite them being huge in the U.S.A they are unavailable for purchase here in the UK, and when I first saw Ghostbusters I remember Egon Spengler making that fluffy looking treat look like the food of the Gods. Two years ago I finally got my chance.
I bit down, and it was just a cheap economy tasting Victoria sponge with a weird cream filling.
This is this years Twinkie.
And the winner is: SSX
SSX was the first game I played on ps2 and it sold the console for me on the spot. It’s mind blowing graphics and “WHOOAAA SHIT!” gameplay was the most fun I had since Tony Hawks pro skater. Every sequel got better and better with the tricky bar being one of the most genius game inventions ever. I even like the Wii version, and by crickey do I hate the Wii.
SSX 2012 broke my heart. The graphics where good, the gameplay was decent and the soundtrack was amazing. So why do I hate it so? because it left out the thing that made SSX such a found memory. Multiplayer.
Apparently you can now download an update which gives you simultaneous online multiplayer now, but I miss the days of the splitscreen. Me and my friends Adam and Scott stayed up to the early hours punching each other, both in and out of the game, as we rocked a rhyme that was right on time. Those days are gone, and it seems game developers would rather have us sit on our lonesome as we munch down are cheesy puffs and waste our life’s tapping buttons. As if being a gamer wasn’t lonely enough already.
You know when you think something is going to be rubbish, and it turns out it’s actually quite good? Well I watched a bit of a Twilight movie for the first time the other day. It was fucking terrible.
This game however, was actually quite good.
And the Winner is: The Amazing Spiderman
When the game based on the movie Spiderman 2 was realised, it blew people away. An open world NYC, and the ability to do whatever a spider can. It was a brilliant experience.
Then I played Spiderman 3, and I thought “It’s good, but very similar to the last one.”
Ultimate Spiderman was next and I thought “This is the same game, just with cartoon graphics”…
Web of shadows made me flip “FUCK YOU! YOUR RELEASING THE SAME GAME EVERY YEAR!!! YOUR AS BAD AS FUCKING FIFA!”
This latest one, however, truly is a step up. Sure, its the same old NYC, but they have changed the camera angle (By change I mean ripped off Arkham Asylums over the shoulder cam) and have added a lot more stuff to make it a fun, fresh new experience.
I’m not saying you should all rush out and buy it, but it’s deffo worth a rent. Just make sure you watch the movie first, because it literally starts of at the end of the story.
Villain of the Year
Bad guys tend to be bastards. Here is the years biggest bastard of them all.
And the Winner is: The Slender man (From Slender: 8 pages)
Anyone who knows me will tell you this, I am a complete pussy when it comes to scary games, and because of this I have yet to play Slender: 8 pages.
It’s a free download, and the aim is simple, walk around the woods and find 8 pages before the slender man gets you.
I have seen the game be played, and that is enough for me fuck you very much. You walk about with a crappy little torch, circling landmarks praying that a page will be there when suddenly BOOM! a creepy long arm monster man is standing behind you. You turn to run, you look back, and the fuckers gone…..
I haven’t been this scared of a game since Resident Evil 2. It really is a horrifying experience and it’s free, so if your a gamer and you have yet to play it, it just proves your a big a pussy as me.
Hero of the Year
Heroes tend to be really good guys. Here is the years biggest good guy.
An the Winner is: Wei Shen (From Sleeping Dogs)
Sleeping Dogs is yet another sandbox GTA clone, but in this one you get to rock out some KUNG FU!
Also it has a captivating story, you are Wei Shen, an undercover cop who is infiltrating a criminal empire. The feds chose you because of your personal ties to some of the gang members, and as the game goes on you have to decide who’s side you are truly on, and where your loyalty lies. It’s a cross between Police Story and Infernal Affairs.
Wei Shen is my hero of the year because his conflict is genuine. He has a personal vendetta and nothing will stop him, even if it costs him his soul.
Also he is shit hot at Kung Fu and looks good wearing anything (my costume of choice is the Bruce Lee style black trousers and slippers.)
Sigh…..I wish I was Wei Shen……
Multiplayer of the Year
Once upon a time games where made out of cardboard and plastic, and played with friends and family. Nowadays games are constructed with electricity and sorcery, and are played with friends, family and annoying 12 year old American kids.
And the Winner is: Halo 4
You can take your Medal of Duty: Modern Battlefields and shove it. When I play those games I constantly get shot down, then hide in a hole when a helicopter appears whilst people bitch and moan over the headset. In Halo those cry’s of the damned are replaced with giggles and high quality banter.
That’s because Halo is actually fun. Even when you loose chances are you go out in epically hilarious fashion, so rather than shout at the screen you cheer as your character flys across half the map due to a sticky bomb up the arse. The modes are varied and aplenty and this year they introduced mechs. FUCKING ALIEN/AVATAR STYLE MECHS!
The other night I flew a banshee (flying bike thingy) into a tank and as I lept out I managed to shoot a guy on my way down with an assualt rifle. God I love Halo.
Game of the Year
The big one! The main event! The show stopper! This is my game of the year….
And the Winner is: Assassins Creed 3
The first time I played Assassins Creed I cried “WOW! SHIT!” at the games brilliant roof running, baddie stabbing gameplay.
Assassins Creed II took an already brilliant game and improved it ten fold. As did AC:Brotherhood.
then came AC:Revelations. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoyed it, but for me it didn’t have that “WOW! SHIT!” factor. I thought Assassins Creed had gone the way of C.O.D after Modern Warfare, and the makers where just going to pump out the same game every year with a shiny new label. Boy was I wrong.
Assassins Creed 3 not only has a “WOW! SHIT!” factor. It has a “WOW! SHIT! OH MY DEAR FUCKING CHRIST YES!” factor.
First off, you have the story which has an epic three act structure much like the first Superman movie or Batman Begins, where we see a pre story, an origin, and an epic adventure for our hero. It holds true to the mythology, but also feels fresh and new. It kind of reminded me of when David Tennant regenerated into Matt Smith, the story continues, but it is also a perfect starting point for new players.
It’s set during the American civil war, and I find meeting historic figures, like George Washington, more interesting, purely for the fact I have actually heard of them (in the last games I only really knew Da Vinci.)
And the amount of stuff they have added. Huge areas from Boston to New York to the wild frontier, new weapons such as the rope dart (think Scorpion from Mortal Kombat) and the Tomahawk (think of an angry Native American smacking bitches around with his hammer axe thing).
There are also new sea missions, where you command a warship and go friggin in the riggin! (works better if you listen to the Dropkick Murphys as you play)
Some people complained about bugs, but I have had no problem. Maybe I downloaded the right patch before I played, but for me this has the most jaw dropping graphics I have ever seen in a console game.
So yes, Assassins Creed 3 is my game of the year, and one I plan on playing for a long time yet.
And that’s my video game awards for 2012. I originally planned it on being longer, but sadly I lost interest halfway through writing. Hopefully next years will be bigger and better, as all great things have to start somewhere. I mean, you guys ever watched Wrestlemania I? It was boring as shit!
Peace out amigos xxxx
Tim Buckler Will return, but he is probably gonna chill for a bit until after Christmas