Movies that are suitable for kids (but are not really suitable for kids)

2

December 5, 2012 by timbuckler

You all know me. Know how I earn a living.

Can anyone guess what the first certificate 12 movie was? I will give you a clue, it’s something I write about all the time…that’s right, it was BATMAN!!

The reason was films were getting harder and harder to certificate. How else where they going to get the Dark Knight back to his gothic roots, yet still sell batmobiles to the kids?

The 12 certificate is a mixed blessing. It managed to give balls to superhero movies, allowing graphic novel lovers to enjoy them as much as the kiddos (see the first Spider-man and X-men), but it also cut the balls off other franchises in order to make them appeal to larger audiences (see Live free or Die Hard/Die Hard 4.0/ whatever that “yippee-ki-yay mother fuBANG!” film was called.)

The films in this list are either certificate U or P.G, meaning they are movies you can enjoy with your kids. But apparently some film makers say “Fuck Yall!” to family fun, and decided to not only push the envelope, but to piss on it and throw it out of the window.

The Return to Oz

Sooommeee wheerrrrreeee over the rainbow…….lies an evil headless bitch who wants to decapitate you and add your features to her gallery of the damned.

Family Fun!!!

It’s a follow on to The Wizard of Oz!  You know, the family adventure where Dorothy Gale meets four friends, a scarecrow, a tin-man and a lion, and they skip off merrily down the yellow brick road learning the true meaning of brains, heart and courage. Full of colourful characters, scenery and memorable tunes.

Fuck Family Fun!

So this one starts with Dorothy getting sent away to a mental asylum to receive electro shock therapy. In the Wizard of Oz the actors who play Dorothy’s friends and family play different characters in Oz, who are all happy and cheery counterparts, the only exception being that mean old cunt who wants to take away Toto. She appears in Oz as the Wicked Witch of the West.

In this film however, no one appears to love Dorothy so when she escapes into the night and falls into a river, she awakes to an Oz that contains even more nightmaric versions of the evil doctors and nurses from the asylum.

Then there is Oz itself. The yellow brick road itself is destroyed, and those cheery happy characters? well, they have all been turned into stone,

and the females have had there heads cut off. So yeah, everyone you know and love from the first film is apparently dead.

Replacing them are these freaky fuckers.

The Wheelers. They are called that because the have wheels for hands you see.

Remember that field in the first film, where the flowers make you fall asleep? Well, in this film there is the “Deadly Desert” where if you touch the sand, you straight up fucking die.

There is an evil woman (not sure if she is a witch) who turns out to be the one responsible for the decapitations, as she changes her head at will and she works for the Nome King. More on him in a bit.

Dorothy is not completely alone on this journey and she does make some companions along the way, such as Jack, the demonic pumpkin monster man.

GAAAAHHHH!!!! IT’S AFTER MY SOUL!

The Worst Bit

Most people say the Wheelers, but for me it’s the Nome King. The Nome King starts off as stop motion (which looks like a nightmare anyway) and as he fucks more people over he gets more and more human, until the end where he goes ape shit and turns into a giant stop motion monster bastard.

I suppose he gets less scary as the film goes along….

SWEET FUCK!!! I TAKE IT BACK!!! AARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

That, my friends, is the look of a man who has seen some serious shit.

Family Fun! 

It’s Indiana Jones! Everyone’s favourite whip cracking, wise cracking, skull cracking archaeologist! This time he is joined by Short Round, the Kung Fu Kid! and Willie, the screaming dozy chick!

To be fair if I was in Willie’s situation I would probably react the same as she does, but rather than yelling things like “Were not sinking!!! WERE CRASHING!” I would probably sound more  like “FUUUUUCCCK!!!! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK YOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!”

In all of Doctor Jones adventures there is some darkness, like the melty faces in Raiders,  or the crumbly old face in Crusade, or the whole two and a half hours of  Crystal Skull (I thank you.)

Temple of Doom, however, has waaaaaaayyyyyyyy to much grim imagery for  the younglings.

Fuck Family Fun!

For starters you have one of the scariest bad guys in history, Mola Ram, who spends his Saturday nights ripping out human hearts and sending people into fire pits, all in the name of sacrifice. Indy is also no stranger to killing people in an ice cold fashion in this film, in one scene he uses his whip to hang some poor bastard from an extractor fan on the ceiling.

Then there is the child abuse. The Temple of doom turns out to be powered by under age slaves (is there a correct age for slaves?)  where kids are forced to hit stones with sticks and drop like flies left right and centre. Even Short Round gets bitch slapped by our hero, after the good Doctor turns to the darkside for a brief spell (hey, it happens to the best of us.)

The Worst Bit?

Has to be how Indys opponents go out. Wither it be the previously mentioned ceiling fan, the guy who gets crushed by the big roller or the poor arseholes who fall into the crocodile river, it’s not enough for Speilberg to simply imply these deaths, he shows them in full bloody detail!

Flaming skewer to the gut

GAAAAAAAHHH!!!! FUCK YOU DOCTOR JONES! THAT’S THE LAST TIME I INVITE YOU TO DINNER!

Men In Black III

men in black 3

Should have been called “Men in Black to the Future!”

Family Fun!

HAHA, HAHA! IT’S THE M.I.B’S! It’s the film series where child friendly rapper Will Smith and cranky but lovable Tommy Lee Jones encounter a bizarre collection of alien life forms! It’s funny, it’s fantasy. and it sells toys! It’s must be for the kids! In this adventure Agent J goes back in time to the 60’s and meets a younger agent K, together they must save the future!

I watched Men in Black 3 a couple of weeks ago. During the fun and frolics I thought to myself “Bloody blimey!, this is a bit strong for a 12!” Then I looked down to the blu-ray case. P.G. I remember the first two having gross bits and elements of danger, but nothing this strong.

After that, I vowed I would write a blog on films that are suitable for kids (but are not really suitable for kids). And here we are.

Fuck Family Fun!

Nicole Scherzinger dressed as a dominatrix gets the inside of her mouth licked out by an aliens creature with a 10 inch tounge, in a Japanese monster porn style.

A small alien witch shoots spikes and impales guards through the head (which you see clearly) before running into alien man’s hand vagina.

Dead bodies,  pinned up against walls, covered in blood.

This all takes place within the first 5 minutes of the film. The groovy bass line theme tune hasn’t even kicked in yet.

Jemaine Clement

Welcome to the show kids.

The Worst Bit.

There are far more deaths and nastiness from that dude who was in Flight of the Concords, but the thing that caught me the most was when K and J  go to a Chinese restaurant to ask the owner about his unorthodox stir fry. During this interrogation K bitch slaps the chubby, non violent, restaurant owner with an alien fish, then calls him a piece of shit. I thought that was a great message to send to the kids, kick the hell out of those weaker than you, then degrade them more with verbal insults.

biff-tannen-back-to-the-future

“YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT!”

Ghostbusters

ghostbusters-music-video

They fight the undead and battle the forces of Satan. Then they do a groovy dance.

Family Fun!

The Ghostbusters animated series was one of the first things I ever got into. So when my bro plonked the movie it was based on into the vcr I screamed with joy! Moments later I screamed with fear!

It was the library ghost that did it. I ran out of the room shouting my head off. But that was the only bit that gave me trouble as a lad. It’s wasn’t until I was older did I realise how unchild friendly this film was.

Fuck Family Fun!

Slugging whisky, swearing (“I’VE SEEN SHIT THAT WOULD TURN YOU WHITE!” and “This man has no dick” being my favourite examples) the inner turmoil of whether a man should sleep with a lady if she is under the influence of demonic possession,  and the chain smoking.

I remember  clearly thinking how cool Ray looked when he was wearing his full gear with a ciggie hanging out of his mouth. I used to mimic it with candy sticks.

Dan akroyd smoke face

One flick of a lighter and Ray goes from being the chubby geeky one into the most bad ass man on the planet

The Worst Bit

Ray gets his cocked sucked by a ghost. Yup, it’s in there, right at the end of the most awesome montage not featuring Rocky Balboa.

So not only is Dan Akroyd the reason I am a 15 a day man, his is also the first cum face I ever saw.

dan cum

Bustin’ makes me feel good! Bustin’ a nut in a banshee’s mouth, that is.

These movies are not suitable for kids! (which is exactly why they should watch them)

I loved all of these films and watched them many a time growing up, with the exception of Men in Black 3. I enjoyed that because of the nostalgia trip it gave me.

Kids enjoy these films because they don’t patronise them. Nothing pisses me off more then when I see a parent reduce a child to tears because the new Harry Potter is a 12, meaning it’s too “grown up” for them.  Yeah, the films with a boy wizard riding about on a broom and messing around with magic potions. That’s something that should never be viewed by kids.

These children are going to grow up in a world which is sugar coated around them. When they are older they are going to have no idea how reality works. They are going to become the kind of jerk off’s make this world so god damn lame.

I watched Jaws when I was 5. For a while I could not dangle my feet off the end of the bed for fear of a shark taking them , and when I went to the toilet I had to put layers of loo roll  down first so the great white bastard would have to chomp through that before he got my bare bum.

My fear came from my imagination, and imagination is the fuel for creativity, a thought muscle we all should  exercise from time to time, and the fear passed. I didn’t  grow up terrified to jump in the bath or swimming pool, mentally tortured for life. I grew up with the knowledge of never fucking with sea monsters, and an understanding of what a great film was.

Don’t deny kids what they want when there is no real reason for it. They will grow up hating you. How many of you played in your back garden pretending to be a Poddington pea or the fucking Why Bird. As I thought. None.

Now, how many of you played in your back garden pretending to face fuck a ghost whilst smoking a twig like it was a Lucky stripe?

Just me?…..Damn.

Peace out amigos xxxx

Follow me on twitter @TimBuckler316

Tim Buckler will return in The Tim Video Game awards 2012

2 thoughts on “Movies that are suitable for kids (but are not really suitable for kids)

  1. Rob says:

    Very entertaining. I remember being totally shit scared by Ghostbusters, too! But that was my third viewing at the age of 18 whilst under the influence of hallucinogenics. Which, funnily enough, also enhances the imagination and simultaneously leave you in a child like state.

  2. Mark Tatnell says:

    The return to Oz, I totally agree the wheelers used to freak me the hell out. also the fact that her hen spoke. A talking Hen that !!! That is truly the stuff of nightmares.

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