Don’t fear the mouse: Why Disney Star Wars is awesome

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November 2, 2012 by timbuckler

By the way, this happened BEFORE Disney took over

I was sat in front of my TV eating my chicken keivs and noodles mumsy had prepared for me last tuesday. The family was watching  Newsnight  and Paxman was discussing how the government is fucking us all over (no new news there). As I did my usually zone out the program came to an end, I pricked my ears to hear what tomorrows headlines where going  to be. That’s when Jeremy P was dropped the bomb. “Disney  have brought Lucasarts and blah blah blah”

The rest of the sentence was inaudible over mum and dad  discussing how silly our dogs are.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” I screamed!!! “Do you not  know how important this is!!! If Disney owns Lucasfilm that means they now own ILM!! That means they now own Indiana Jones!!! That means they now  own…”

I paused as I realised my parents where staring at me blankly, surprised that there son who two minutes ago was too tired from work to talk now had a crazed look in his eye and was telling his loved ones to  “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”

I apologised and asked them to rewind the television (ahhhh modern technology). After accidentally rewinding at 100 x speed, then fast forwarding at 32 x speed (get you shit together Virgin media or I’m jumping to Sky). I heard the full sentence. “Disney have brought Lucasarts and Star Wars episode VII is scheduled for a 2015 release.” I leapt from my chair in the manner of Grandpa Joe leaping from his bed when he discovered he was going to the chocolate factory, and dashed up the stairs to check out Facebook, which in my minds eye was going to be a virtual version of the Ewok rave at the end of Jedi.

“I never thought that I would see, a Star Wars film that was Lucas free…”

Instead I got a bunch of miserable pricks moaning about how “disney are going to ruin it”  or “Oh great, more rubbish Star Wars films.”

I remember when I was in school people used to make fun of me for liking Star Wars. Then when I grew up suddenly EVERYONE was a fucking Star Wars fan. They kept that quite when they where calling me a fag and chucking around my Darth Vader pencil case.

Now it is confirmed that it was all bullshit, because if you were a true Star Wars fan, and they announced a new Star Wars film, you would be ecstatic as I.

Or maybe, you just need ol’Tim to tell you why everything is gonna be all right…….
First, there is one thing I am going to miss. The lack of the 20th century fox fanfare blaring out before “a long time ago in a galaxy far far away…” That will take some getting used to. Now lets crack on shall we……..

Things can only get better.

What an arsehole.

I don’t get this whole “They fucked up Star Wars, why fuck it up more?” vibe. I say “They fucked up Star Wars. Fix it.”

If the new trilogy was that bad, then what have we got to lose? Disney are good at listening to the people. They know what there audience want, and I have every faith that not only are they going to listen to the fans, It’s going to be MADE by the fans. 70% of actors, make-up artists, directors, editors, effects technicians,  sound mixers, cameramen and anyone under 45 who wants to be involved in the film industry had that spark ignited when they were a child and were taken to a galaxy far far away. I know it started my love of film.

So these people are the same people that where burned by the new trilogy. They are the same people who know the pressure that they are under. They are the same people who want to see the original untouched films on Blu-ray (give it a year and that will be announced, mark my words. Blinking Ewoks and Vader screaming ‘NOOOOOOOOO” Be damned.)

They are going to make the Star Wars films that THEY want to see.

I know it’s easy to hate on the new trilogy, but when twelve year old Tim saw Episode I, free from the cynicism of adult life, he bloody loved it. It was only as I got older I realised what a huge steaming pile of Bantha fodder they were. Which leads me to my next point…..

Disney make great family films. Star Wars is a family film.

Bring the kids!

What’s with this silly notion that Star Wars is going to get softer? The original trilogy are all U certificate movies! Not even P.G!! That means a two year old could waddle up to the counter and purchase a copy unattended! (Though if they shop keeper doesn’t phone the police after serving an unattended two year old, that’s kind of messed up).

Guess what? Disney rock at making family films! Not kids films, family films. There is a big difference. A family film is aimed at the whole family, which means that rather than relying on crude jokes and violence to entertain, they actually have to work on story and gripping the audience emotionally. That’s why you cry at the first ten minutes of Up!, or the last ten minutes of Toy Story 3.

Disney have the special effects, but the story always comes first. Just like the original trilogy. Remember how tense and exciting it was in New Hope when Luke, Han, Chewie and Leia where in the trash compactor and the walls where closing in? That scene consisted of a tiny set and two guys pushing a wall either side.  Remember how mind numbingly dull it was in Attack of the Clones when all those robots where blasting there guns and all those Jedi’s where swinging lightsabers around there head. That scene consisted of hundreds of programmers and  hours upon hours of VFX. Story first kids.

You really think Disney can’t handle Star Wars? Lets look at the four main characters from the first film.

A farmboy who dreams of bigger and better things.

A beautiful Princess

A wise old wizard.

and a dashing pirate captain.

See where I’m going with this?

But the main thing I think y’all are worried about is that Disney don’t get dark. Well they do. Oh lordy lord they do. Remember the end of Lion King, where the baddie is ripped to death by hyenas? Or the end of Hunchback of Notre-dame, where the baddie plunges into the lava, a metaphor for falling into hell? or the end of Hercules, where the baddie LITERALLY falls to hell? Or the end of Tarzan, where the baddie is hung from the neck after falling off a tree? or the end of Fantasia WHERE FUCKING SATAN SHOWS UP!?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh Disney magic.

I think I made my point. If you want more examples Cracked did a whole article on the subject

and have you ever seen The Rock? or Con Air? Not only are the ultra violet action films, not only are they two of Nicholas Cages finest work (that’s right, I’m a Nick Cage guy) but they are both Disney films. You see, they where distributed by Buena Vista. That’s the name Disney use when they are being grown up. Click here for the full filmography.

Lucas Free!

I feel bad for George Lucas. Once a loved and cherished film director, he has now retired from making films, and rumour has it he finished up and sold Lucasarts because he can no longer take the backlash from the fans after the new trilogy and Kingdom of the Crystal skull.

Poor bastard. Poor multi-billionaire bastard.

The way George raped childhood memories by fucking up Star Wars and Indy has been told a million times before. So I will just say I’m glad he is gone and fuck him. Rather than give the fans what they wanted he TOLD the fans what they wanted.

But let us give thanks to the man who helped create this universe we all love. Good luck George. I wish you all the best, and thank you for finally moving on and handing down your legacy to the next generation. Now please, stay the fuck away.

FRANCHISE BITCHES!

So now Lucas is gone we can finally get the Star Wars universe we dreamed off. Ok, so we are getting a new trilogy, a trilogy that we don’t already know the ending to, a trilogy that we haven’t already imagined in our heads (my Clone Wars had an army of Dark Jedi vs an army of Good Jedi, but apparently that would have been too awesome)  but Disney love making coin, and with a universe that is full of bounty hunters, pod racers, soilders, knights spies, creatures and planets beyond our wildest imaginations, I reckon we are going to get the spin-offs we all deserve. In what is arguably the biggest franchise of all time, In the last 35 years all we have had is 6 films. I know we have comics, books, cartoons and games and all that other tat, but why no spin-off films or live action tv shows? That will change my friends, because the house of mouse says so. I am personally gunning for a series based on the adventures of a young Captain Needa.

Just an ordinary bloke who got promoted and got chocked it’s Capitan Needaaaaaaaaaa!

And Finally…

Lucasfilm will still be Lucasfilm, the same way Marvel is still Marvel. Disney just owns them now, and hopefully will guide them to a new level of awesomeness. By the way, you guys remember the first official film by Disney/Marvel?

And that film turned out alright in the end, didn’t it? Don’t fear the future my friends, embrace it. I hope this made you all feel better.

Peace out amigos xxx

Tim Buckler will return in “Casting Call: The Highlander”

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One thought on “Don’t fear the mouse: Why Disney Star Wars is awesome

  1. Desi says:

    And don’t forget, now the possibility of a Star Wars themed rollercoaster… Mmmmmmmm yeah!

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