HIGH HO BULLSHIT!: Tim’s reaction to the Lone Ranger trailer

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October 23, 2012 by timbuckler

Howdy y’all. Have you seen the teaser to the new Disney Lone Ranger film? If not, here it is…..

Now I know what you are all thinking. “What does Timothy Buckler think of this?” Well read on friends and I shall tell you
.
I didn’t realise how much of a Lone Ranger fan I was until I saw this trailer, because, quite frankly, it really pissed me off, and the reason why is four simple words.
But before we  get into that, let me tell you what I did like: Pretty much all of it.

I like the fact that it has (what I am guessing) a baddie speech at the beginning, narrating shots of the old west, and by christ does the old west looks wonderful. Nice and gritty. I was expecting some kind of Disney version where everything is shiny and gophers serve drinks at the bar or some such shit but now, it looks like a place where people are desperate and could get shot the fuck up at any given moment. A place that is in need of a hero. Gore Verbinski was a solid choice of director, despite the his last two shitty Pirates of the Caribbean films, the dude directed “Rango”, probably my fourth favourite western after “The Quick and the Dead”, “The Unforgiven” and…..ahem…..”Blazing Saddles”.
There are some stylistic shots like the bullet time slow mo of the men ducking behind the table in the office, but at least most of it looks practical and does not have that fake cgi feel. I was scared for a second when I saw that horrible cartoonie cgi train at the beginning, then breathed a sigh of relief when I realised it was just a studio logo,

The casting looks to be spot on too. Armie Hammer was born to play a hero and its about time. He was at one time a fan favourite to play the new Superman, and was cast as Batman in the ill-fated Justice League movie that Warner brothers tried to make a couple of years ago (until Chris Nolan was all like “Fuck off, let me finish my shiz first bitches”). He has a mighty hero chin, is handsome and extremely likeable. Perfect hero material.

Tom Wilkinson and William Fitchner are also in it, though I am not sure which one is playing the big bad. Hopefully both of them. Tom Wilkinson played crimelord Carmine Falcone in “Batman Begins”, the dude who, in that film, basically bitched slapped Bruce Wayne onto that train to start his quest at training to become the Caped Crusader, and William Fitchner is the man who was the only reason to watch the otherwise god awful “Drive Angry 3D”. He rocked in that movie. He also played the owner of the bank in the opening segment to “The Dark Knight” (Yeah, yeah, I know, I keep brining it back to Batman.)

Helena Bonham Carter is also in this film, and she has never been in a Batman movie (though her husband Tim Burton directed Batman 89 and Batman Returns) and for some strange reason I have a mad crush on her. She looks like the kind of woman who would ignore my belly and repulsive looks and love me for my vulnerable inner artistic beauty……you know, a mad chick.  It looks like she plays a western whore with a heart of gold in this film, so that’s all good.

Then there’s Depp. When I saw the first photo of him as the Ranger’s sidekick Tonto my initial reaction was “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK!”

Big Chief Jack Sparrow.

For some reason I thought he was just going to put on some make-up and camp around in a Jack Sparrow mkII kind of way. What a silly billy I was for thinking such thoughts. Depp is one of the greatest actors of our time, purely for the reason none of his over the top characters are the same, and Tonto, in voice at least, sounds like fucking Tonto. In fact it’s one of the Depp’s lines that was the only thing to give me chills in this trailer. “There will come a time, Kemo Sabe, where good man must wear mask”……Kemo Sabe is what Tonto calls the Lone ranger……and a mask is what the Lone Ranger wears……and that leads me to the four words.

“So, you like how it looks, you like the cast, what more could you could you want from a teaser Tim? It isn’t even a full trailer, it’s a fucking teaser!!!! WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TIM? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM!?”

Calm down Kemo Sabe, and I shall tell you the four words that put this trailer into the shitter for me.

Ready?

Drum roll please

NO WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE.

Seriously? You have one of the most iconic theme tunes of all time and you don’t fucking use it?

Ok, so the music may be based on William Tell, but kids don’t hum it when the pretend to shoot apples off their friends head with a bow and arrow, The hum it when the pretend to ride horses on their way to adventure. It’s the reason my friend Simon declares 9.50 as “COWBOY TIME” (Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten ten ten)

It wouldn’t annoy me so much if they didn’t opt to use generic nu metal electric guitars in its place. How the fuck is that supposed to set the tone? Hell, why not use a metal version of William Tell?

That would work wouldn’t it? Even if they kept the trailer the same, and at the very end of the credits have a shot of the Ranger on top of Silver while it roars on its hind legs, with a brief snippet of the opening fanfare….BOOM!! SUMMER 2013!!!!

While we are at it, where’s fucking Silver?  There’s a line in the teaser that goes “No man could ride faster than the horse that carried him”. When I heard that I was thinking we would get at least a shot of Silver’s white legs galloping hard on the plane, but no. We get a shot of Johnny Depp pulling a cheeky face under a train. Wow. How Lone Rangery.

And that’s my problem. I understand It’s a new Lone Ranger for a new generation, but why would you take away everything that made the original generation love it in the first place? How would I do the teaser? Simple. I would pay homage to the original opening. Just a dude, riding a horse, shouting “High-Ho Silver!” To the William Tell Overture. Perfect.

We will get a full trailer soon enough, and hopefully they will put that fucking theme tune in it. Untill then, peace out you fucking nerds xxxx

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