Tim’s Top Five: End stings that went nowhere……’

1

October 1, 2012 by timbuckler

I love a good end sting I do. They appear at the end of the film (Jokers playing card in Batman Begins), midway or at the end of the credits (Marvel Universe movies) and they are the sole reason I can not leave the theatre until the lights go up. They can either be a cheeky extra scene, or a final punch to the guts to set up a sequel, making a three year wait seem like an infinity.

Sometimes they blow me away, like at the end of the first Ironman when Nick Fury wants to talk to Stark about the “Avengers initiative.” Remember how exciting that was? “Holy shit guys!!! There going to make an Avengers movie!”

Sometimes they confuse me, like at the end of the Avengers when that big red dude turns and smiles at the camera…..

Tim and Jamie sat during the end credits of the Avengers, and a big red dude smiles at the camera

Tim: Cool!!!!……….So who the fuck is that supposed to be?

Jamie quickly checks wikipedia on his Iphone

Jamie: Its……..THANOS!!!!

Tim: Cool!!!…….So who the fuck is that supposed to be!?

Jamie: I’m not quite sure.

At first I seriously thought it was an uber version of Red Skull. Then I realised this cat has a nose.

Ok, So I’m a DC guy but that does not mean I’m not Marvel savy. I know my Reed Richards from my Steven Strange, I have a read a few of the last big story arcs (Civil War, Secret Wars, Fear Itself) and I do not have fucking clue who Thanos is. Even after when I researched the character I still don’t get what the big hubbub is. To me he just seems like a big Darkseid rip-off. Had it been Galactus or Doctor Doom I would have been awestruck, but alas, Marvel don’t own the movie rights to there own biggest names, so I guess we get fucking Thanos. I’m sure some Marvel geeks are creaming there jeans over this, so I will say no more.

Also I’m sure the Thanos end sting is going to go somewhere, unlike these end movie cock teasers that didn’t finish the job…..

Daredevil: Bullseye lives!!!!

Bullseye. Seen Here preforming in New York amateur dramatic society’s rendition of “Grease”

I quite liked the Daredevil movie. I know it wasn’t a work of art, but I thought Ben Affleck was well cast as the title character, Michael Clark Duncan was a nigh perfect Kingpin, and that Colin Farrel’s Bullseye stole the damn show. Seriously, that was one awesome baddy.

He was funny, he was cool, and he was a complete bastard (killing the old lady on the plane with a well placed peanut is one of my favourite dastardly moves ever)

So when Daredevil sends him plummeting to his death and he lands on top of the car, I was a little bit upset that got rid of such a good villain so early in the franchise……..but wait…..

THE END STING!!!: We are shown a hospital bed, and there is a figure lying motionless wrapped head to toe in bandages. I fly is buzzing around the room, and one flick from the finger sends a syringe flying, nailing the fly against the wall……BULLSEYE LIVES!!!

AND THEN WHAT!?: Nothing. No sequel for you. We did however get a peace of shit spinoff focusing on Elecktra (You know, the character no one really gives a toss about.) It’s a shame, even if you didn’t really dig the Daredevil movie at least it set up a potentially good franchise. I mean it had Kingpin in it for Christ’s sake!!!

I’m not sure about the rest of you guys, but before the comic book movie boom of the 00’s I always thought of Kingpin (a.k.a William Finch) as Marvel’s big bad no.1…….now he seems to be forgotten, and the last image I have of him is him lying on crippled legs swearing a vengeance on Daredevil that never came…….It’s a damn shame……Ah well, at least we get fucking Thanos……

Then I thought maybe the Skrull?….But no, its Thanos…..

X-men Origins: Wolverine : DEADPOOL WILL RETURN!!!! AND HE WILL BE ALL DEADPOOLIE!!!!!

Off the top of my head, X-men origins: Wolverine is the only comic book movie with a title taken from an actual comic book story. That for one, gave me excitement, as Wolverines origin is as epic as all tits. Not only that, but Gambit, my favourite X-Man, was set to make his movie début, as well as Deadpool, my favourite Marvel character ever. Put all these factors together, and you got yourself a damn fine movie……

Or not. The story pretty much pissed all over the comic, Gambit is in it for about ten minutes and Deadpool…….oh, poor Deadpool.

For those unfamiliar with the character, Wade Wilson is an ex mercenary who gets drafted into the weapons x program and was given narly powers. Long story short, Wilson gained the ability to heal and pretty much became immortal, however he lost his sanity. He now believes that all the Marvel characters are being viewed by an all mighty being and their destiny’s are pre determined……basically he is the only Marvel hero who is aware he is in a comic book.

He is fucking awesome.

THE END STING!!!!: 

So they cast Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool, so far so good……..Then they completely fuck it up. Wade goes through the weapon x experiments, and comes out as a laser shooting scary monster thing with his mouth glued shut (yes this is the kind of superhero movie where a character who’s nickname is “the merc with a mouth” has his mouth glued shut).

Well what the fuck is that supposed to be? Thanos or something?

Wolverine cuts Deadpool’s head off then walks off somewhere. End credits……..But after they roll we go back to Deadpool’s head…..a hand is reaching for it and…….. DEADPOOL OPENS HIS EYES, LOOKS DIRECTLY TO THE CAMERA AND SAYS SHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOT ONLY IS HE ALIVE, HE BROKE THE FOURTH WALL!!!! AND HAS A MOUTH!!! LIKE FUCKING REAL DEADPOOL!!!

AND THEN WHAT!?

They decided to reboot the X-Men franchise. The next film out was X-Men: First class, where we go back to the swinging sixties and find find out how Charles got his groove, and at the time of writing they are filming a new Wolverine film, simply called “The Wolverine” which is supposed to be some kind of reboot /re-imagining thingy. All I know is Ryan Reynolds is not on the IMDB, as he decided to fuck off to another doomed hero franchise. There’s a supposed to be a Deadpool movie coming soon, but lets face it Deadheads, It’s been coming soon for about ten years now……..god bless fan films……

Green Lantern: Sinestro goes mellow yellow!

Green Lantern is a film about Hal Jordan (played once again by Ryan Reynolds), a fighter pilot who gets drafted into the Green Lantern corps, the galaxy’s police force. Armed with a green energy ring which is powered by will, the Lanterns consist of many different creatures and beings, including Sinestro, a red faced mustachio chap who is Hal Jordan’s mentor. After Hal defeats Parallax, a big evil cloud powered by the fear (which is yellow) He proves himself worthy of wearing Green c.g.i Lycra, and a new superhero franchise is born!!

Sci-fi film rule no.247: Never trust anyone with a moustache. Especially if they bear a striking resemblance  to the Devil.

THE END STING!!!:

Midway through the credits, we see Sinestro put on the yellow ring, giving birth to the evil Yellow Lantern corps and establishing himself as the big mean bastard we all know and love from the comics…… Sequel Ahoy!

AND THEN WHAT!?

Well the filmed fucking bombed. It was kind of naff, but it had potential for a decent sequel, however what with DC now rebooting there hero franchise with a new Superman flick and a Justice League movie on the cards, there does not seem to be much hope for the continuation of this particular story. In my opinion they fucked up when they cast Ryan Reynolds, a talented actor but god damn, the man seems to have the kiss of death when it comes to these sort things……..

Mr Reynolds, you are a solid actor, a nice person and you have abs to die for, but please, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE THINGS I LOVE!!!!

Masters of the Universe : Skeletor rises

When I was a kid and I played at being Superman, it always started with me pretending to take off my glasses and rip off my shirt. When I played at being Hulk it always started with me falling to the floor and screaming, then jumping up and roaring. and when I played at being at being He-Man it always started with me raising my toy sword/ stick/ tennis racket up in the air and declaring “By the power of Greyskull, I HAAAAVVVVVEEEE THE POWEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!!!”

In the movie “Masters of the Universe” this shit doesn’t happen until the last fifteen minutes, meaning you have sit through an hour forty five minutes of eighties special effects and Courtney Cox until it becomes a fucking He-Man film. After that point He-Man and Skeletor have a bit of a ruck, which ends with Skeletor falling down a pit.

THE END STING!!!

At the end of the credits, we are shown the bottom of the pit……The pink water/ lava/ what ever thats supposed to be bubbles and then…..Skeletor pops his head out of the liquid and does an Arnie by declaring “I’LL BE BACK!”……fade to black…….

AND THEN WHAT!?

Well, no sequel for you my friend. My guess is even though Skeletor survived the fall, he is still a long way down and couldn’t get back up again……Maybe he still floating around to this day……

Flash Gordon: Ming’s ring

This one surprises me, because of all the movies on the list, this one ain’t shit. Well, it is, but its shit in a lovable way. It’s a cult favourite, people love it, effects where good, characters were great and it is even to this day if you go “Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun” Someone, somewhere will spontaneously shout “FLASH!!! AHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Just a man, with a man’s courage……..and a really big gold sword.

Story is, Flash is an all American football hero who somehow winds up being the Saviour of the universe, battling the evil forces of Ming the Merciless. At the end, Flash crashes a space ship/ plane thing right up Ming’s arse. He then swings a sword about in Ming’s face. As Ming is dying, his power fades and he disappears up his own ring (I would like to say that I didn’t mean that to sound dirty, but in a movie so camp that the guys where less cloths than the girls and Bryan Blessed is running around wearing nothing but Leather hotpants and feathers, you can’t be sure.)

Celebration!! The galaxy is free and we all live happily ever after!!!! Thanks Flash!!!

 THE END STING!!!

…….As the party out side continues we are shown Ming’s ring (somebody should have picked that up seeing as the most evil bastard in the galaxy quite clearly disappeared into it). A gloved hand grasps it and we hear Ming’s evil cackle one last time. The End now becomes……The End?

AND THEN WHAT?

Well it asks the end? And the answer is…..Yes. Yes it is the end. God knows why there was never another Flash Gordon. The sex comedy parody “Flesh Gordon” Even got two sequels. The Sci Fi channel tried to reboot it into a series a couple of years ago, but unfortunately it was fucking terrible. Poor Flash.

And that’s that. I have not posted anything for a while as I was trying to squeeze the last drips of summer, but now that the cool embrace of autumn and winter is upon us, I will be locked in my shell and I shall try to write more. Hugs and kisses

The End……….?

 

 

Advertisements

One thought on “Tim’s Top Five: End stings that went nowhere……’

  1. geniusape says:

    Truly awesome writing. I loved this….I’m going to try to work an end sting into my day tomorrow. Cheers for posting.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: