August 15, 2012 by timbuckler
You wake up. You have breakfast. You go to work. You come home. You have dinner. You watch telly. You check facebook. You jerk it. You slumber. You repeat.
Before we go any further I just want to clarify, this is not one of those “ While your working you should be enjoying life!!! QUIT YOUR JOB!!! DANCE THE DANCE OF LIFE!!!!” rants. Of course you have to work. Living in comfort requires coin.
No, this is either a guide to make your dull life more exciting and less like a zombie robot cog in the machine corporate whore, or its further proof of my descent into madness. It all depends on your point of view.
Also note that some of these guidelines may not work for female readers. After my last reality vs fantasy blog a pretty lady asked me “Hey, why don’t you do one for girls?” I told her I would, because she was pretty, but the fact of the matter is I don’t have a vagina so I don’t know how the mind of a woman works (believe me, I have been trying to work that one out all my life). What is a female fantasy anyway? Bella from Twilight? Ana from Fifty shades of Grey? If that’s the case just act like sluts and date complete bastards.
If this is what a role model looks like nowadays, the futures pretty much fucked.
Read on anyway girlies, because you may find a giggle or two here and there………
The Secret Lair
Be it an underground cave, a castle on top of a mountain, the sewers below a city or a abandoned funfair, every hero or villain worth a shit has a top secret base of operations. It’s the starting point for every mission, and the return point from every victory or failure. It’s where they store gadgets, costumes, trophy’s and communication devices. It’s where they study there next plan of action, and where they brood after a tragic event in there life. Only a select trusted few can enter the lair, other than that its off limits to the outside world……..
Your bedroom. I don’t know about you, but if anyone wants to stick there nose in my room without my permission I get pissed off, as it is my comfort zone. It’s where I keep my gadgets (game consoles, radios and telly), my costumes (work uniform, dancing shoes, hippie capes), my trophies (comic books, toys, spank mags) and my communication devices (laptop, phone charger). It’s where I start every day and end every day. It’s a peace of the world I can truly call my own, and no fucker can take that away from me. Apart from the council, I guess.
How to make that shit more epic
When turning on your bedroom light make a “Kachoom!! Vrooom” noise, as if machines are starting up and platforms are being raised. When removing your coat do not simply take it off, instead flip it off your shoulders and fling it triumphantly to it’s resting place (be sure to remove coins, phone’s and other valuables first.) Stop storing cloths in drawers and instead attach them all to coat hangers and hang them on a rail, that way you get the satisfying sensation flipping through them, and the epic imagery of your war attire laid out before your eyes.
Couldn’t find crystal chamber doors in Argos. Why not make your own out of discarded plastic bottles.
Also, purchase a chair. You cannot brood or contemplate on a bed. You need to be sat upright. Maybe slightly raised.
I find placing your chair a pile of plastic dolls gives you a clear view of the telly and flaming torches come in handy when you cant find your lighter.
A big TV and a wire to connect your laptop to it is also a must. You cannot study battle plans or enemy tactics on a tiny screen. You need to engulf yourself in that information.
“Alfred, this new facebook layout is confusing as shit. How do I upload pics?”
I have also been trying to work out how to set up an “INTRUDER ALERT!!!! INTRUDER ALERT!!!” style alarm system, but the best I could come up with is yelling “FUCK OFF!” if someone enters without knocking. Sorry Mum. I thought you where the dog.
In the movie The Highlander, immortals roam the earth, living by the code that “In the end, there can be only one”. The only way one immortal can defeat another is by decapitation (so they aren’t really IMMORTAL, there more ALMOST IMMORTAL, but that doesn’t sound quite as catchy).
After this kill move is preformed, normally via sword, the victor gains the losers power, so the more you defeat, the more powerful you become. This is called the quickening, and it’s as epic as all fuck.
The recipient leans back, lost in a state of ecstasy beyond their control. There is normally
lighting bolts and explosions as they scream and moan, feeling the benefits of sheer and utter brilliance. After it is all said and done they fall to their knees, tired and weary, but content…..
The jimmy tank. The five knuckle shuffle. Meatsaber practise with hand solo. You know, jacking it off. I suppose that any climatic orgasm is the same, but if you want to play at home and follow my guidelines, you may want to be by yourself, and not balls deep inside someone……
How to make that shit more epic.
First, when you start to reach the point of awesomeness, lean back so your starring at the ceiling and your back is slightly arched. This is not just for visual effect, but it’s something that actually makes you climax more fantastic. It lasts longer (be sure to lay down some paper towels) and gives you that weird sensation where you are lost beyond all rational thought and facial expression control. Seriously dude, try it.
Afterwards you body will do that weird thing where it starts shacking and you may need to collapse, so make sure your bed is directly behind you (do not attempt in the bathroom, for fear of banging your head against the sink.) If you want to earn top points, shout something out along the lines of “ I SEE EVERYTHING!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING!!! I AM EVERYTHING!!!” But make sure the house is empty, if like me, you still haven’t worked out the “INTRUDER ALERT” alarm system……
The Meditation Chamber
In Tron Legacy, Jeff Bridges uses meditation to keep his sanity. Sherlock Holmes sometimes uses meditation (and a shit load of opium) to solve his cases. Darth Vader uses meditation to fuck with his son’s head. Whatever the use, it works son.
You can believe in mystical hibby-di-jibbyness, or you can take the boring science approach, but what meditation does is relax your brain and clears your head, allowing you to focus and think more rationally. I highly recommend it (even if I’m not the best example of rational thought).
But it needs to be a quiet place, away from the outside world so you are not distracted by life’s trivial bullshit. Bridges has that big glass window room , Holmes has an abandoned old attic (at least in the Guy Ritche version) and Vader has that big metal sphere thing. By now your bedroom should be full of neon lights and super computers, so where can one go to leave this physical plain and feel the benefits of zen?…….
The dude abides.
Your Toilet. Think about it, you literally lock yourself away from the outside world, the walls are probably the plainest in the house, and unless your an Iphone junkie, you are sat there with nothing but your thoughts. So next time you go to pass a piece in peace, why not close your eyes, focus on your breathing and let all thoughts that fill your head come and go. After a while you will enter a weird zone out stage. For me, this is where I get ideas for creativity. Trust your instincts and let the force flow through you……..
A throne of tranquillity.
How to make that shit more epic
Depends on what you had to eat the night before……..BOOM BOOM!
This probably explains why you can’t see the lower half of Vaders body during this scene
In Doctor Who, When a time lord is dying he can regenerate every cell in his body. Although his new body may change his style and attitude, he is still at heart the same person (a bit like Bowie).
A new Doctor can stop the series from getting stale, as it adds new perspective, line delivery and reactions to an already iconic character with 50 years worth of on screen history. Regeneration is also epic as fuck. First the previous Doctor will say a teary fair well, then amazing special effects will show the transformation (or kaleidoscope and flashing lights if it’s pre 1996). We then normally get our first shot of the new Doctor, who will utter something profound. Cue the famous ‘SCRRRRRRRREEEEEEEeeeeeeeee” into end credits.
Despite Tennant’s expression, this is not to be confused with the quickening wank.
Makeover! You need to change your style from time to time. Most of the interesting people I know do. And I am not talking to you slaves of fashion, I am talking to the people who dress in a way that expresses themselves (like the Doctor). Here his a quick run down of my regenerations since I remember being in charge of my own attire.
The First Tim (Product of the 90’s): T-shirts of cartoon characters with “Attitude” (Sonic the Hedgehog, Tasmanian Devil, Dennis the Menace) Shorts or comfortable jogging bottoms.
The Second Tim (The Sell-out): Starting to grow up and realised I needed to fit in to obtain friends, girl friends and not get my head kicked in for being different. Nike Track suits, white T shirts, short gelled hair.
The Third Tim (The crazy party guy): Fuck these people!!! I ain’t gonna fit in! My only choice was to dress loud and become the funny fat one. This way, although I still won’t get laid, I can feel comfortable being myself and maybe gain some friends! Wrestlers T-shirts, Hawaiian and various other loud shirts, baggy jeans, bleach blond spiky hair (which also changed colour from time to time in mini regenerations.)
The Fourth Tim (A real Rock n Roller): Started to get into more old school rock such as Guns n Roses, Metallica and Nirvana. Starting to grow my hair out, wore band T-shirts and hoodies. Finally got in with some ladies.
The Fifth Tim ( The Hippie Stoner): Full on head of flowing hair, Back to loud shirts, blazers, long coats and blue jeans. Also the cartoon character t-shirts made a comeback.
The Sixth Tim ( Shits getting stale): Lost confidence in myself and did not dress as bold. In a previous post I called to this as my “Dark days.” I got lazy, the long hair was not as well kept, scraggly beard and the ladies left again.
The Seventh Tim (Suits and Boots!): Like the seventh Doctor, this look didn’t last very long. Drastic action was needed to reboot myself. Started wearing suits with ties and waistcoats. Everything was going swimmingly until a girl I fancied the bloody living hell out of chortled in my face “WHY ARE DREASSED LIKE THAT!!!??” Everyone else took the piss and told me I looked like Matt Berry (not that there is anything wrong with that, but when your attempting to flirt with a girlie and all they can do is scream “FAATHHHHEEEERRRR” Ever time you make eye contact, shits gotta go).
The Eighth Tim ( Current me): Cut my hair, back to wearing what ever the bloody hell I want to. I like to think I am now a combination of all of the above.
One thing that has remained constant is my Batman and Superman T-shirts. Tried to work out when I started wearing them, Probably around the time of the third Tim.
How to make that shit more epic
Upon your return from the shops with your bag of new cloths, run up to a loved one and tell them not to worry. Tell them you love them, and that now matter what happens you always will. As they look on confused limp away looking more and more ill until you reach a door. Say something inspiring to them e.g “You where fantastic…..AND SO WAS I!!!!” Then slam the door shut, and quickly change into your new ensemble. As you dress make sure to keep screaming and moaning. Finally, after you have your gear on, swing that door open, march up to them confidently and look them dead in eye. When they ask “What the bloody hell was that all about?” Reply with a single sentence that signifies new beginnings. “Change my dear!……and it appears not a moment to soon”…. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Peace out you fucking nerds xxx