Cry me a river!: Tim’s top five tear jerkers


July 29, 2012 by timbuckler

I am man enough to admit that I sometimes cry. Anyone who has known me long enough can testify to that. A few years ago, I went through a weird phase which I like to call “The Dark Daze.” During this time my typical Saturday night would go like this:

  1. Meet friends
  2. Drink lots of alcohol
  3. Decide that I was in love with a random girl
  4. Ask said random girl for a dance or maybe…..a kiss?
  5. REJECTION!!!!!
  6. Public breakdown in the middle of town, while my friends, sick of my weekly tears, would try to comfort me
  7. Wake up up the next morning, instantly hit with a sense of shame and embarrassment, and the thought of “Oh shit, I did that didn’t I….”

I was a bit like a shit Incredible Hulk, the Incredible Sulk if you will, A ticking time bomb of emotion and downed spirits.Times have changed. Don’t get me wrong, the rejection is still there, It’s just that now I have learnt to take that emotion and bottle it up inside, slowly churning it into a chi ball of hate which I “Hadoken” into a form of creativity, like a song or a script or a…..drum roll please……BLOG!!!

It looks EXACTLY like this.

Crying is a natural thing, We all do it from time to time. It’s probably the rawest of all emotions, the one that’s hardest to disguise, so when something moves us to tears it’s normally because of an epic tragedy or event, rather than something as mundane as being denied a smooch in a shitty nightclub.

Here are my top five tear jerking moments. This won’t draw from real life events like funerals and break-ups, because that would be far too morbid. Instead it will be taken from the creative arts, as a form of respect to people who can create this heart break and plunge it directly to your soul.

Also this list is personal. What one person finds emotional may baffle another. So bare this in mind, and let the breakdown begin.

Two little boys-Rolf Harris

The single artwork certainly captures the spirit of the song.

Two little boys a a song about two childhood friends named Jack and Joe. When they where children they used to play with there toy horses, dreaming of one day being real soldiers. When Jack breaks his toy and starts to cry, Joe, being a good friend and all, tells Jack to jump up on his horse and ride with him (I’m not quite sure how big the toy horses are, as at the begging Rolf quite clearly states “two LITTLE toys” but hey, childhood imagination goes a long way.)

The boys grow up and war breaks out. Now a solider, Joe gets shot down in the heat of battle. Lying on the ground staring up at the sky, all hope is lost, until Joe hears a familiar voice….

Did you think I would leave you dying

When there’s room on my horse for two

Climb up here Joe, we’ll soon be flying

I can go just as fast with two

Did you say Joe I’m all a-tremble

Perhaps it’s the battle’s noise

But I think it’s that I remember

When we were two little boys

Fucking beautiful. Innocence the first victim of war, and this song is pretty much the ultimate example (Sorry Oliver Stone.) If your pro or anti war, the fact of the matter is that every soldier out there was once a child, and unless there a meat head prick who joined the forces just to “shoot some stuff” soldiers are hero’s and they are risking there life’s to keep yours free. Our national anthem is the only one in the world which is about one person rather than the entire country (God save our gracious queen, her hat is so shiny, or how ever the fucking lyrics go.) This is bullshit. I suggest we replace it with Two little boys. Even though it’s set in the American Civil war. And is sung by an Australian. Actually, scrap that, the new national anthem should be the theme song from “Only Fools and Horses”

Measure of a man- Rocky V end credits.

I was in floods of tears at the end of Rocky V. Not because the film Is awful (even though it is) but because of the end credit photo montage.

A Rocky film is very much symbolic of the decade it is set in. Rocky I and II it’s the 70’s (wah wah peddles and disco beats, big hair, open shirts and jive talking.) Rocky III and IV a products of the 80’s (Sympathisers, Power rock ballads, robots, the cold war, Hulk Hogan and Mr T) and in Rocky V its the 90’s(Child friendly rap, Kids with street-wise attitudes)

The Jake and Edward of their day.


At the end of what at the time felt like Rocky’s final chapter, we get a photo montage in chronological order of the good times and the bad times, set to Elton Johns cheesy but awesome “Measure of a Man”. During this trip down memory lane, we see the actors age, the change of style between the decades, and we get a sense of how epic Rocky’s journey was. Every one gets nostalgic when they look at old photo’s, and this is no exception. A fitting tribute to Mr Balboa and the end of a crappy closing chapter……..That was until a decade later and “Rocky Balboa” gave the Italian Stallion the final bow he truly deserved.


    At the time of writing, Sylvester Stallone’s son Sage , who also played Rocky jnr, died this previous weekend. Seeing that final photo of the two embracing has made me tear up. Rest in peace sir.

    Sage Stallone 1976-2012

The Simpson’s- Maggie’s first word

The Simpson’s was, and still is, the funniest thing on television. The thing that separates from other animated comedy’s? The fact that you actually care and feel for the characters. If I met Peter Griffin in real life I would probably think he was a prick, but I met Homer Simpson I would buy him a beer.

Even when he drools he is lovable.

In the episode “Lisa’s first word” Marge and Homer tell the kids the story of, well, Lisa’s first words.

It starts with Bart’s vocal origins, As Homer desperately tries to get infant Bartholomew to say the words “Daddy”, but to his anger, Bart just responds with “Homer” over and over again.

At the end of the episode Bart and Lisa are arguing and Homer puts baby Maggie to bed. As he tucks her in he mutters “The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back”. He turns her bedroom light off and smiles at her. “I hope you never say a word.” Homer exits the room closing Maggie’s bedroom door behind him. Maggie takes out her pacifier, looks up lovingly and says….”Daddy”. She closes her eyes and sleeps.

That’s what makes the Simpson’s number one. I was probably around ten years old the first time I saw this episode, to young to get the good jokes, and young enough to laugh every time Bart said ‘AYE CRUMBA!” Even at this age that final scene got me.

“Father…..I love her….”- Superman II.

You can take the Notebook, Titanic and Last Song and shove them up your arse, Superman II is the most romantic film ever made.

After Lois learns Superman’s true identity, he takes her out for dinner and some good ol’ fashioned lovin in the Fortress of Solitude. While Lois sleeps, Clark realises he would do whatever it takes to be with this woman, even if it means sacrificing the powers of a god. He gets up to consult his birth father Jor-el, who’s existence and knowledge is recreated in a hologram (in the original version it’s his mother, but the effect is still the same.) Jor-El Tells Clark that there is away to strip him of his powers, to make him become human. He warns Clark that if he does this, he must forfeit being the worlds saviour, and urges him to reconsider. Clark response is what makes me choke up- “ Father……I love her.’

Clark loves Lois so much he is willing to give up being invulnerable to almost anything and the ability to fly. He will grew old and feel pain just like the rest of us humble mortals. I know some guys who wouldn’t even sacrifice watching the football for their other half’s well beings.

The first thing that happens to new nerdy Clark Kent is he receives a kicking in a truck stop diner from some arsehole. Theirs something I find unsettling and scary when I see a powerful hero in distress and pain. Seeing nice people have bad things done to them makes my pupils water, the same way seeing arseholes being rewarded for their dickery makes my blood boil.

Like all good love story’s this one ends in tragedy. Yes, Superman does get his powers and beats the snot out of General Zod, poses with the American flag and flies up into space to give the camera a cheeky smile, but In doing so he ends his one chance of true happiness. Lois gets her memory wiped and Clark is back to being good’ol Smallville, mild mannerd reporter and bumbling fool.

Sometimes saving the world just breaks your god damn heart.

The Death of Yoda

No song, no film and no story has made cry as much as this one has. I do not remember the first time I watched Empire Strikes Back and New Hope, they have been part of my memory since my memory began, but I do remember the first time I saw Jedi, because it wasn’t till quite later in life (I was in year 6, so I must have been 10 or 11).

I wanted to see it for years and years, but nowhere I knew seemed to sell it. Then one day, when I wat home sick from school, my dad rented it from the local Blockbuster. I was so excited, I knew that Luke had a big lightsaber scene on Jabba’s yacht, I knew about the battle on the forest moon of endor, and I knew about the final confrontation on the death star. Hell, I even knew that at the end you get to see Vader’s face. Finally, I could witness it with my own eyes.

But no fucker told me Yoda dies.

I didn’t even know he was sick!

Luke goes back to Dagobah after, quite frankly, an apalling attempt to rescue Han Solo from Jabba’s palace. Seriously, Was it’s Luke’s plan to get captured by Jabba? Before R2 throws Luke’s lightsaber at him as stands on the plank, the hero’s all give each other a knowing nod, as if to say “Yeah, we all know EXACTLY what the fuck we are doing”…. Really, do you? Was falling into the Rancor pit part of the plan? Was Leia being turned into a sex slave for a giant space slug mob boss part of the plan? If I was Luke in that situation, I would have just knocked on the door of Jabba’s palace and lightsaberd the shit out of anyone who stood in my way from the get go, because at the end of the day that’s all they really did anyway.

Anyway, after this complete balls-up of a rescue mission, the rebels have escaped and Luke decides to meet Yoda and complete his training. When he gets there, Yoda tells Luke his lesson’s are complete, and that to become a Jedi he must confront Vader and bring balance to the Force. Then he gets up into his bed, tells Luke that “There is…..another…….Skywalker……” closes his eyes, and literally fades away into the night.

11 year old Tim had to pause the film, because his eyes where stinging so much from tears that he couldn’t see. I remember running up to the bath room and kneeling there for twenty minutes, going threw a whole roll of toilet paper, absorbing the waterfall from my face and blowing my nose constantly. It was that weird crying where you can’t breath and you get a headache.

So how could the death of a puppet bring me so much heartache, even to this day?

It is a combination of reasons. One is because seeing someone who was once possibly the most powerful being in the galaxy being so weak really gets me (same as Clark getting beat up in the diner)

Another is Yoda’s bravery as he faces his death, trying to comfort Luke rather than himself with jokes (“When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not!).

But the number one reason has to be the music. The “Jedi” theme that plays when Yoda tells Luke he is the last one captures the importance of the burden that has been placed on Luke’s shoulders perfectly. My lip starts to tremble. The high notes that flow down into a low bass as Yoda takes is last breath makes my eyes well up, and then that final shot of Luke realising his mentor is gone and that it’s up to him and him alone to save the galaxy, echoed by one final bar of Yoda’s theme…….boom, I’m a crying, shaking, shivering mess.

I hope this was entertaining for you, I started typing in high spirits but now I’m kind of bummed out…..well, until next time I guess…..

Wait, no, Fuck this!!!! We deserve a happy ending In order to get this miserable flavour out of our mouths! Remember earlier when I was talking about Clark getting the beaten up by the arsehole truck driver? Well, when he got his powers back, Clark returned to the diner to confront him…..

I think there is a lesson there for all of us. What that lesson is I’m not exactly sure… about this. Whenever life beats you down and makes you sad, don’t worry. Time will heal your wounds, you will comeback stronger than ever and you will grab life, place it on a counter and send it flying into a pinball machine…..or something…..Whatever, just make sure you smile at the camera before you fly away.

Peace out you fucking nerds xxxx


One thought on “Cry me a river!: Tim’s top five tear jerkers

  1. […] Cry me a river!: Tim’s top five tear jerkers – Among some other pop culture greats is “And Maggie Makes Three”. […]

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