The Dark Knight Rises- What I DO and DON’T want to see.

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July 15, 2012 by timbuckler

One week to go. It’s been four years since the last Batman film. Two years since the the announcement. One year since the trailer. The wait has been killing me, but there is only one week to go……Christ, am I excited, and I know I’m not the only one.

The pre-sales for imax tickets, as my dear friend and fellow bat-fan Jamie Sims put it on the phone to me as he desperately tried to obtain some, “broke the internet.” If your not excited, you can go fuck off somewhere. For me this is the end of this summer’s blockbuster season. For me this might as well be the end of the world. One week to go…..

These are my hopes, dreams and fears for the Dark Knight Rises. If you have yet to see the previous two films, stop reading now, as HERE BE SPOILERS

What I DO want to see- Bane breaking the Batman.

“Before we fight, we dance the MAMOOSHKA!”

Bane is my second favourite Batman villain(after the Joker of course.) The reason why? Because he is the only bad guy to truley defeat him.

I won’t go too far into the details of his origin and the epic comic book ark that was “Knightfall”, but basically Bane is a villain who is powered by a super steroid called Venom. In the comic, Bane watches the Dark Knight from the shadows, studying his moves and techniques. He worked out that Batman and Bruce Wayne are one and the same, and he stages a break out at Arkham Asylum, letting all of Batman’s enemies go free. After Batman rounds up the evil doers, he is quite obviously fucking shattered. That’s when Bane struck. He waited for Bruce to return to his mansion and then proceeded to lay the smack-down on his candy ass.

As a seven year old boy reading this, I was waiting for the turn around. Maybe Robin would jump out of the shadows and help out. Maybe Batman would grab a gadget from the cave and blow Bane away with it. Instead, this happened

“Come on Batman! You can do it! All you got to do is……oh….OH SHIT!”

End of book. Batman lying on the floor in a broken, bloodied mess. WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

Of course, Batman eventually came back but at the time this was shocking. No more Bruce Wayne as Batman??? There are certain iconic images that are carved into the minds of all comic book fans. Cyclops holding Jean Grey’s body at the end of the X-men’s “Phoenix Saga.” Superman’s torn cape blowing in the wind at the end of “The Death of Superman.” and Batman being crushed against Bane’s knee at the end of “Knightfall”.

It’s pretty much a given that Bruce is going to get fucked up from the trailer, as we see him limping around with a cane. But I want a definitive move to do it, followed by a “Cold movie line”(see a previous blog to learn my top five.) In Nolan’s realistic universe I don’t expect Bane to fling Bats up into the air like a fucking rag doll and slam him down into a back breaker, ala Rocky vs Thunderlips. It will probably be a a swift kick to the shins or something. But I want an iconic finisher to put and end to the Bat, and to give me that sense of fear I experienced as a seven year old boy…..

What I DON’T want to see- A crippled Bruce Wayne limping around for over half the movie.

The image that flashes through every fans head when they hear the word Batman. Bruce Wayne in a smoking jacket with a cheeky goatee and a cane. And a Cain.

Bane has to break the Bat, but I’m kind of hoping that’s over and done with near the beginning. That way we can have say, half an hour of Bruce limping around, then on with the comeback! It’s called “The Dark Knight Rises” after all. I have yet to see the Amazing Spiderman, but one of my brothers main problems with it is “It takes 45 minutes for him to be bitten by the fucking spider!”

Inner turmoil and angst is all well and good, we need that to associate with the hero, but don’t let it over shadow the mask wearing and ass whooping. That’s the reason people paid money to watch.

What I DO want to see- Anne Hathaway in THAT costume

Oh, I have risen alright.*Insert Sid James laugh here*

When Tom Hardy as Bane was announced as the next villain I almost fainted. He was already a fan favourite, and as I previously mentioned one of my all time greats, but not really as established to the general public as say, the Riddler or Penguin. Tom Hardy is perfect casting. Bane is a power house, but also an intellect. He is basically the anti-Batman, and if you have seen Bronson or Warrior, you know that Hardy can nail that.

Then Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. I have had a huge crush on Hathaway since the ball room scene in Get Smart. I think she is beautiful, genuinely funny and a damned fine actress. It was the Catwoman part that I didn’t really care for.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Catwoman is a damned fine character, but I don’t really find her attractive. It may be shallow, but the Michelle Pfeiffer/ Halle Berry take on the character just screamed “Crack-Whore “ and in the comics she comes across as just… do I put this without sounding any more like a pig ……well, just plain dykey. I don’t dig short hair and abs on chicks.

So the first picture came up online, and believe me that was not the only thing that came up. Did they go for the “Year-one” prostitute man hater? Did they go for the Arkham City goggles and tail?……No sir, they went for this.

My purr-fect woman.

The Julie Newmar look. Alongside Terri Hatcher, one of my first childhood crushes. The sole reason why girls in wet-look leggings make my knees go all wobbly. So they took Bane, which in itself surprised me, but then I get JULIE NEWMAR CATWOMAN!? AS IN 60’S ADAM WEST’S CATWOMAN!? I like to think that one night as I took my slumber Chris Nolan used his Inception dream device to crawl into my head, just so he could work out “how do I make a perfect Batman movie for Timothy Buckler?”. That’s the only explanation I can come up with anyway.

What I DON’T want to see- Bruce and Selina: a love story.

I have never much cared for the relationship between Batman and Catwoman. It just makes no god-damned sense. She is a villain, so Batman should stop her. Instead they got this whole off-again on-again romance thing going on.

Does that mean if the Riddler was a lady in a lycra suit, Batman would flirt and use sexy locks and holds when fighting with her? As opposed to what he does now, which is grab him by the scruff of the neck and beat the living shit out of him until blood and teeth go flying?

With your minds photoshop, take out Catwoman and insert the Penguin. Kind of fucked up, huh.

Batman spent ten years traveling the world perfecting his body, mind and spirit to fight crime. So what, as soon as his pecker is aroused all that goes flying out the window?They have tried to rectify this in the comics by making Catwoman more of a hero, justifying their love a bit more, but I find this pointless as Batman already has a list of black clad female companions (Batgirl, Huntress and Black Canary to name but a few.)

Catwoman should be a baddie. She should be a sexy bad-ass cat burgling bitch who doesn’t give a fuck. Maybe the odd tease and flirt with Batman every now and again, but none of this “Oh Selina, in another time and place we would be perfect for each other” West-side story bullshit.

What I DO want to see- A triumphant ending.

I want a big end fight that lasts for ages. I want inspiring music as Gordon makes a heartfelt speech. Say what you want about Batman 89, but that ending made me want to clamber up a building and pose like a fucking man.

The last two Batman films had such downer endings. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to bits, but at the end of Batman Begins, Scarecrow is still on the loose, the Narrows is still in chaos from people tripping there balls off and fighting each other, and the third to last line is more or less “By the way, you Batmaning antics are inspiring criminals to act more bat-shit crazy. This dude dresses like a clown and cuts people up with knifes. I never said thank you….”

The end of the Dark Knight is even more bleak. Harvey Dent, Gotham’s White Knight lies dead at the bottom of a building with half his face burnt off. The reason for this is because Harvey lost it after his fiancée and Bruce’s childhood love was blown up in a death trap. Batman takes the rap for Harvey’s killing spree so the people of Gotham can still hold up some kind of hope. The film literally ends with Batman running away from fucking police dogs.

I remember the end credits starting, and the audience sat silent in the cinema. Everyone had a sense of “Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting that!” The Joker fucking won. His point was proven. It was a good five minutes before I could talk. And when I did I believe my first words where…….”Wow”.

It was a brilliant ending, but if this is where the legend ends, I want it to end with a fan-fare. I want a happy ending. I’m not expecting a full cast sing-along like the Blues Brothers or There’s something about Mary, but I do want to turn to my friends, give them a high five and a hug, and leave with a big smile on face (and maybe and big erection in my pants so I can dash home and jack-it over Catwoman. That’s three boner gags. A COMEDY, TONIGHT!)

What I DON’T want to see- The death of a major Character.

This is where the first run of films fucked up. The killed off the Joker in Batman 89, Catwoman and Penguin in Batman Returns and Two-Face in Batman Forever. Riddler survived in the later, but was made completely bonkers and incapable of any more wrong doings. (Fun Fact- This first time we saw Arkham in a Batman movie. There was no need to use it before, as Tim Burton had no qualms in making Batman a murdering bastard. No surviving villains- No Arkham. Tim Burton is a prick.)

So by the time Batman and Robin rolled along, who did we have to pick from? Mr Freeze and Poison Ivy. Great. Just, fucking great. We also got Bane, if by Bane you mean a green fucktard in a gimp suit who can only utter the word “BAAAAANE.”

The only thing Bane broke in this shit-pit of a film was wind.

There’s a rumour Batman may die at the end. I call bullshit on this. It surprises me when I read on forums and message boards that people think this is the only rational way to end the series. What are you, fucking morons? It’s Batman, not fucking Hamlet.

In the Nolan films, Scarecrow survives, and is the first Batman baddie, albeit briefly, to come back in a sequel. This gives the vibe that the Batman universe is continuing, even between movies. Ra’s al Ghul dies, but I can accept that as death and ressurection is kind of Ra’s al Ghul ‘s schtik in the comics and even though Heath Ledgers passing is sad and unfortunate I like the thought that the Joker is sat in his padded cell, working out his next plan of attack.

But don’t think Mr Nolan gets off lightly. Far be it from me, a humble mortal, to question possibly the greatest film maker of our generations choices, but I was kind of pissed off when Harvey Dent bites it at the end of Dark Knight. You set the character up perfectly, you give Two-Face the greatest villain origin in comic book movie history, then you just kill him off? In the movie Harvey says “You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” How cool is that line? That’s a line you want to get a tattoo of. That’s a line you can quote when your friend gets too drunk and starts acting the fool, or when you get shot down in a game of Modern Warfare. But what he should have said was “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villian……Then promptly die soon after that.” The death of Two-Face was bullshit. Unless………..

What I DO want to see- The return of Two-Face.

Yep, that image is perfectly acceptable for a 12-rated movie.

Imagine that for a twist? I don’t know how they would do it, maybe the police lied about his death in order to keep the people’s morale high, and they kept him in deep lock down somewhere in Arkham…..who knows. Its extremely unlikely this will happen, but Nolan has been known to throw curve balls every now and again. In fact, the whole point of the Prestige, Nolan’s film about two warring magicians, was to present itself as a magic trick, to make the audience believe they saw one thing when in fact they where witnessing something else (I won’t spoil the ending for you, but if you haven’t seen it why not give it a rent from your local Blockbusters.)

To bring back Two-Face would make this trilogy perfect for me. I won’t hold my breath, but I believe in Harvey Dent……

What I DON’T want to see- The return of False-Face

Or as I like to call him, “Fuck-Face”

In the 1960’s Batman TV series, one of the shows many highlights would be a celebrity guest appearance. One way this would happen would be for the celebrity to stick their head out of window while Batman and Robin indulge in their weekly wall climb, here is Mr Sammy Davis jr to demonstrate

Another of course, was the weekly guest villain. Some where one-off’s and some where recurring. My personal best? Frank Gorshin as the Riddler. Watch him do his stand up routine on the Dean Martin show, then after he has a little chat with Deano, observe how he awesomely falls into the Riddler character for a song and dance number.

And the worst? Well that has to be False-Face. Why? Because nobody knew who the fuck he was. A master of disguise, False-Face wore a creepy mask all the time, and when the credits came up, rather than reveal the actor portraying him, it would instead be a question mark. The story is that due the shows dwindling figures during the final series, the studio had to cut back on the budget, and False-Face was a way of having a guest villain without having to hire a guest. They even started a rumour that it was Frank Sinatra under that scary plastic face. I don’t know what’s more impressive, the lengths the studio went to in order to keep the show running, or the fact I managed to name drop three members of the Rat-pack in a blog about Batman.

And that’s me done. Whatever happens, I’m sure the film is going to be awesome and exceed my already high expectations. One week to go……and then it’s over.

What’s that? The Man of Steel teaser trailer débuts this weekend? Oh Shit, HERE WE GO AGAIN!!!!!

Peace out you fucking nerds xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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