Lyrics for TV theme’s that don’t have any

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July 5, 2012 by timbuckler

Do you remember “This is you life”? That TV show where Eamonn Andrews/Michael Aspel/Trevor Mcdonald crept up behind celebrity’s with a  big red book and scared the piss out of them, then made them sit in front of their peers and loved ones and forced them to answer for their life’s crimes? Do you remember the theme tune?

If you didn’t sing along to those opening four chords with the lyrics being the shows title, you weren’t human. Some theme songs are made iconic by having the instruments literally sing the title. Intentional or not, one of my many hobbies is to create lyrics to TV show openings. I have decided to show you guys a few of them so you can join in on the sing song.

Animal Hospital

An animal hospital is a bit like a vet’s, the only difference is that in an animal hospital Rolf Harris is there to cheer you on. In the mid nineties they made a TV show celebrating this wonderful place. The theme tune is memorable, however it lacks didgeridoo’s and wobbly boards, which is kind of bullshit when you consider the fact the Rolfster was on board.

Lyrics

If your animal feels-un-well,

Then take them to this hos-pi-tal

they will try to save them,

if you pay them,

if not then you can go to hell,

And if your pet sad-ly dies,

you will see Rolf Harris cry,

but if you ask him nicely,

he may sing you,

Sun ariiiiiiiiise!

“Can ya guess what it is yet?……..It’s terminal……..poor fella’s not gonna make it….”

Last of the Summer wine

This show was about three O.A.P’s fucking around a Yorkshire village. Due to the constant death the cast was always changing, but my three main characters where Compo, Foggy and Clegg. Each episode usually followed the same routine. Local blind man Eli would mistake a tree for a woman or vice-versa, Howard was constantly trying to escape his miserable bitch wife so he could shag the village slut, and a bunch of old lady’s would gather to drink tea at Thora Hird’s house and take it in turns to destroy her daughters hopes and dreams, due to their jealousy of her youth and beauty. Each episode would end with Compo falling down a hill in a bathtub.

Lyrics

The rolling hill’s, and green pastures,

Three old friends, new adventures,

so comb your hair, clean your dentures,

because its laughter time

Will Marina screw, Howard tonight?,

Will Eli cure, his poor eye-sight?,

Will Compo get, in Nora Batty’s tights?,

Last of the summer wiiiiiiiiinnnneeeeee.

“Waiting on Jesus” and “I feel so cold” Where just two of the shows many rejected titles.

Star Trek

Star Trek is about a giant spaceship called the Enterprise. Captain Kirk and his funkadelic crew would beam down on to unknown planets seeking new life and new civilisations. If the aliens where cool, the Enterprise team would help them out with their problems and sleep with their women. If they were dicks however, then the team would use judo, double hammer punches, swinging kicks and nerve pinches to teach them a lesson. Then they would sleep with their women.

Sometimes the ship wouldn’t even get to the planets, as a large cloud or a spinning multi coloured cube would block their way. These episodes normally involve half an hour of discussing various philosophy’s, before blowing said objects away with their lasers. Every title sequence begins with Kirk explaining how awesome they are, and then the theme tune kicks in…..

I

Lyrics (for main melody)

Star Trek! We’re flying threw space!

Join our Star Trek! Or get out of my face!

Kirk, Spock, Bones and Scotty are the crew,

Uhuraaaaa……Chekov and Suluuuuuuuuu!!!!

Am I looking at them through my PC screen or……are they looking at ME through their view screen!?….Jesus Christ, this is some good weed….

Doctor Who

The Doctor is an alien who flies around time and space in a big blue box, fighting evil where ever he goes. He enjoys the company of young beautiful women, whom he calls his “companions” and since 2005 60% of the episodes have been set in council estates, as they are the source of true evil.

You need two people to sing along with this one, one for the backing and the other for the main melody.

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Backing Lyrics (To be sung with the “Duh Duh Duh Duh’s”)

HEY EVERYONE!

ITS TIME FOR FUN!

ITS DOCTOR WHO!

THE SHOWS BEGUN! (Repeat till end)

Lyrics (for main melody)

How do you doooooooooooo?

Pleased to meet youuuuuuuuu!

Im the Doctor! Doctor Who?

I shan’t tell youuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!

Doctor Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!?

At Christmas time the Doctor likes to ride around on a cart being pulled by a flying great white shark. Why? Because its fucking awesome, that’s why.

Eastenders.

This show is on pretty much every week night, and it is a never ending story about cockney London.

Albert Square is where our hero’s live, a cursed corner of the East end that was built on an ancient burial ground. Due to this damned location the residents suffer depression, thievery, drug abuse, rape and murder on a weekly basis. Housewife’s love it. Each episode starts and ends with the sound of the dead trying to escape their wretched torment. It kind of sounds like a Drum fill. Then the theme kicks in.

Lyrics

It’s all kicked off on Albert square!

Who’s sleeping with who?

And who’s having an affair?

So make way you soap pre-ten-ders

bleak viewing ahoy

It’s time for some Eastendeeeeeeeeerrrrssss.

Is it me, or has Dot been the same age for the last 20 years?…..That place is cursed I tells ya….

Do you know what the best part is? The Eastenders theme actually HAS lyrics! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Anyone can fall in love”……

Sadly over the last few years TV theme’s have pretty much sucked, as shows opt for either pre existing songs or tuneless tone setters. But if your ever watching DAVE or any other channels that show nothing but recycled old crap, then I hope this adds a little extra magic to your viewing experience.

Peace out you fucking nerds xxxxxxxxxxx

 UPDATE!!!! Turns out the TV movie of Last of the Summer Wine also has lyrics! And my word, its a shit load bleaker than what I came up with…….Starts at about 1.05 in, but don’t watch if you are in a dark mood, as its so depressing it may push you over the edge…

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