July 1, 2012 by timbuckler
You ever got drunk and said something you regret? I do every weekend. As soon as I have a drop of the creature in me, one thing is for certain, I transform from the lovable geek who believes we should all love each other and expect love in return, to a miserable bittier creature who spew’s hatred towards his closest friends and decides to blame other people for his life’s inadequacies .
But despite my countless hangover regrets, to my comfort I have never said anything as dark as the characters in this top five.
The things these people say truly is some cold shit, and it works in one of two ways
1.)Its said by the villain, establishing himself as complete rotter, and making you want the hero to kick the shit out of him.
2.) Its said by the hero to a villain who is already established as a complete rotter, that way you don’t feel sympathy and you still want the hero to kick the shit out of him.
So without further ado, lets see what my top five coldest movie lines are………
WARNING!!!! HERE BE SPOILERS!!!
The Punisher (2004)
Who says the line?: The Punisher (Hero)
Because “Vengeance Bringer”, “Justice Man” and “Atonemenster” just wasn’t catchy enough……
The set-up: Frank Castle, working for the F.B.I, Manages to stop an international arms deal, but in the process a big crime lords son is killed. That crime lord turns out to be John Travolta.
Now retired from the fed’s, Frank attends a family reunion, where John Travolta kills his wife, son, dad and pretty much the rest of the Castle crew, including Frank himself…..OR SO HE THINKS!
Frank survives and quite understandably is pissed off. He becomes the Punisher, and sets out to take revenge…..wait, no, PUNISH those that have wronged him. During this harsh punishment he takes out all of John Travoltas henchmen, including a giant Russian and a Johnny Cash impersonator. He also tricks Travolta into thinking that his right hand guy is having and affair with his wife. Travolta reacts by killing the pair of them.
Don’t fuck with Danny Zuko
Finally, during the films climax, Frank encounters another of John Travolta’s arsehole sons. He sets him up in a trap with his arm extended, holding a trip wire grenade. When his arm gets weary, he will drop the grenade, triggering an explosion that will blow him to smithereens. Frank wonders off, leaving Travolta’s son to his fate. Soon after, he face’s Travolta himself.
Travolta: You killed my son!
A scream and an explosion is heard in the background.
Frank: Both of them
Frank shoots Travolta. Travolta goes down in agony, but still alive
I made you kill your best friend……I made you kill your wife…..and now I’ve killed you.
The Fallout:Think that was cold? Well grab your hoodie, because its about to get colder. Frank ties Travolta’s leg to the back of car, and sends the vehicle rolling into a car-park filled with explosives, dragging a screaming Travolta behind him. Frank sets the bombs off, burning Travolta alive before a big final KABOOM! (I like to think Greased Lighting and Travolta’s bike from “Wild Hogs” is also in the car-park, adding insult to injury.)
Oh yes, and the resulting explosion also forms the shape of The Punisher’s logo, just to add an extra “FUCK YOU!” to the proceedings.
A Christmas Carol (1992)
Who says the line?: Ebenezer Scrooge (Villain who eventually turns Hero)
The set-up: Everyone knows this story. There are countless retelling’s of Charles Dickens most famous tale, and pretty much all of them involves this line, however the delivery sometimes differs. So the version I have chosen to talk about today is the Muppet one, because……well it has the Muppet’s in it.
Surely this is the closest to Dickens original vision
Ebenezer Scrooge is a 19th century tax-man and a complete bastard. So far in the film we have seen him walk down a street where everyone who lives in London sings about what an arsehole he is, we have seen him literally throw Mr Appleby onto the street when he fails to pay his mortgage on time and when his nephew invites him over for Christmas dinner, Scrooge promptly tells him to go fuck himself. Soon after, Bunsen and Beaker knock at the door, asking if Ebenezer would like to make a small donation to charity….
Scrooge: I know how to treat the poor…..My taxes go to the prisons and the poorhouses, the homeless must go there
Bunsen: But some of them would rather die!
Scrooge: (In full on Michael Cane voice): IF THEY’D RATHER DIE THEN THEY BETTER DO IT, AND DECREASE THE SURPLUS POPULATION!
The Fallout: Why do I find this line so cold? Because up until this point Scrooge has just been a miserable dick. Maybe he is just a lonely old man who needs a hug. But it is this declaration that he values money over human life that turns him into a soulless monster. This is pretty much the pinnacle of Scrooge’s wrong doings in the tale, after this he goes home, puts on his night cap (we all should wear night caps) and eats his soup, unaware that a bunch of ghosts are going to scare the shit out of him, and transform him into a decent person.
“There’s a creepy puppety flame ghost child behind me? Don’t be so bloody ridiculous.”
Robin Hood: Prince of thieves (1991)
Who says the line?: The Sheriff of Nottingham (villain)
The set-up: Robin Hood. A myth that has been told for hundreds of years. Steals from the rich and gives to the poor. Very good at archery. Lives in the woods with lots of men wearing tights, and in this particular version has a very poor British accent.
The Sheriff of Nottingham hates the Hood. He detests the fact that all the people love him, and he REALLY despises that he gets to have his end away with Maid Marion. So when one of history’s greatest baddies is played by one of history’s greatest baddie actors (Alan Rickman) you know that he is going to utter some cold shit.
Snape hair + Gruber beard : Best. Baddie. Ever.
When one of his lackeys informs the Sheriff that nobody is going to accept the bounty on Robin’s head because there all in favour of his thieving shenanigans, this is his response.
Sheriff: Cancel the left over scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful be-headings….. and call off Christmas!
The Fallout: That’s right. He called off Christmas. Scrooge may have hated the Yuletide season, but the Sheriff just flat out ended it. Probably the most villainous move in movie history. Of course, Robin doesn’t take this lying down. He storms the castle, kicks the shit out of the Sheriff and places his hands down Marian’s knickers. HOORAY FOR ROBIN HOOD!!!!!
Oh yes. Sean also pops in to be awesome for 46 seconds. HOORAY FOR BOND!
Rocky IV (1985)
who says the line?: Ivan Drago
The set-up: There are moments in history where if you ask someone who was around at the time, they could tell you exactly where they were. England winning the world cup. The eagle landing on the moon. September 11th. And of course, the death of Apollo Creed.
Apollo, Rocky’s one time enemy turned trainer and best friend, wants to get back into the game. He enters a bout with Russia’s top fighter, and what with this being set during the cold war it becomes a world wide spectacle. Its the red white and blue v.s the red and yellow. In fact the films intro was literally a stars and stripes boxing glove and a hammer and sickle boxing glove firing off into each other and exploding up on impact. Really.
What he doesn’t count on is Ivan Drago, commie boxer extraodinare, being a drug fuelled soviet powered wreaking machine.
Drago beats Apollo from pillar to post. After the first round, Apollo tells Rocky not to throw in the towel, no matter what. As this is set in the Rocky universe, referees are unable to stop fights for some strange reason, so Apollo gets bloodied and beaten and smashed to bits, while Rocky, being a good friend and all, keeps the towel firmly in his grip. Finally, the Italian Stallion realises Apollo might be in a spot of bother, so he calls off the fight, the towel falling in sync with Apollo’s face smacking against the canvas.
This was originally a standard screen capture, but Drago has hit Creed so hard it has knocked the colour out of the picture.
Its too late. Rocky runs to the ring and holds Apollo in his arms, tears fall from his eyes as the lights fade out from his best buddies. Rocky looks up and catches the glare of Drago, who has barely broken a sweat, towering above him.
Drago: If he dies, he dies.
The Fallout: He dies.That is some seriously unfair sportsman like conduct. If you watch a professional fight and someone seriously gets injured, you will see the opponent react with concern and fear. It is, after all, a sport, and no one wants the worst to happen.
Not Drago. He just stands there high and mighty and announces that he doesn’t give a flying fuck.
A few months later Rocky flies to Moscow, trains by cutting down trees and running up mountains to inspirational music (because tree cutting and mountain running beats drugs every time) and kicks the shit out of Drago.
Rocky wins not only for himself, not only for Apollo, but for the whole of America! (which, if you ask me, is somewhat spoiled by the DVD’s cover art)
U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!
The Princess Bride (1987)
Who says the line?: Westley a.k.a The Dread Pirate Robinson (hero)
The set-up: If you ask someone if they have seen the princess bride, they will either say “No, is that a chick flick or something?” or they will say “OH DEAR GOD YES!!!! THAT MOVIE DEFINES MY CHILDHOOD!”
Once you have seen it, you will be quoting it for the rest of your life (INCONCIVABLE!). This line however is rarely uttered by fanboys, due to its sheer coldness……well that plus the fact its pretty long and difficult to remember it all.
Also after watching this film, you will finally get the “Anybody want a peanut?” joke from I Love You Man.
When Westley’s love, Princess Buttercup, is forced to marry the evil Prince Humperdink, He knows he must do everything in his power to stop the wedding. He fights through master swords men, Giants, evil geniuses, rodents of unusual size and even death itself. Finally he finds himself in his beloveds bed chamber, but the reunion is short lived, as dickhead Humperdink enters the room with sword drawn and challenges Westley to a fight to the death. Westley denies this offer, and instead suggests a fight to the pain. Unfamiliar with this term, Westley enlightens Humperdink…..
Westley: “To the pain,” means the first thing you lose will be your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And, then my tongue I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time; a mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn’t finished. The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by the right . . .
Prince Humperdinck: And, then my ears, I understand. Let’s get on with it.
Westley: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish, every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out: “Dear God, what is that thing?” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what “to the pain” means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever……
The Dread Pirate Robinson. Out Johnny Depp’d Johnny Depp before Johnny Depp started Johnny Depping.
The Fallout: Sadly, we don’t get to see Westley extract his jigsaw killer stylee revenge (Ironically, he will be the victim some 20 odd years later). But he does save the princess, escapes the castle,rides off in to the sunset and lives happily ever after. This is a fairytale after all.
And now I think its time for us all to have our fairytale ending. If you can think of any more (I can think of hundreds) please feel free to comment, as this handful was only my personal best of the bunch.
And try you hardest not to be this cold to anyone in the real world. Unless they deserve it. In that case you have my permission to kick the shit out of them, as you wish.
Peace out nerds xxxxx